Before anything else, let me state that I’m forever a hopeless romantic. No matter how I’ve been made fun of, rejected, coerced, disrespected, destroyed – it’s just in my nature to believe in love. This is why I had dated my significant other for over 6 years, and it’s why I broke up with them the other day.
It hurt a lot to wrestle with this idea.
On the phone it had me gasping for air, refusing, after telling them I had something to talk about, to actually tell them what I wanted to talk about. When I did say it finally, they were quite calm and told me they were proud of me. When I voiced concern of feeling that I was the crappiest person right then, they assured me that I am the least crappy person they have ever known.
Actually, we’re still together right now. Not of weakness to follow through on either’s part, but because of the strength of renewed purpose. The reason I needed to do it was simply that I had attached myself to too many things and others outside myself. I had recently confided in lamentation to them, even surprising myself with my own choice of words, that “I don’t even feel like a person anymore.” I’d gone with “the flow of other people” because I never wanted to “bother anyone or make them angry.”
You see, being surrounded by anger but never being shown how to be angry and that it’s okay to be angry – it really messes a kid up. But, that’s a story for another time.
Today, I feel like a person. It took me breaking down and recognizing that I’m not okay in order to say what had been eating away at my insides. I feel like a person now, and I will continue to be a person. While my goals and thoughts and attitudes may shift here and there, I know that rather than to eye myself with a raised brow of skepticism, I can embrace this soul instead for every single part that creates the being who stands before the universe, just waiting to love and be loved in return.