Drunchies, formally known as drunk munchies, are a funny thing. Like a toxic relationship, drunchies are usually never good for you, can leave you full of regret and with diarrhea (maybe that last part is just me). Yet, you just can’t seem to stay away.
Fortunately, as also is the case with toxic relationships, you can take solace in the fact that you are not the only one out there. There are others, like you, who indulge in terrible junk food while extremely intoxicated at 3 AM in a greasy truck stop full of strippers who just finished their shift (again, this scenario may just be me, but I doubt it).
Let’s face it – no one is going to reach for an apple or bag of baby carrots when booze is pumping hard core in their blood stream. Here are a couple of drunchie food items that we are all guilty of being in a relationship with. And if you say you haven’t, you can thank that extra shot for not allowing you to remember.
1. Breakfast Meals
Some say breakfast is better at night, but breakfast while intoxicated at night is even better. There’s a reason Denny’s and IHOP is open 24/7, and it’s not to appease a mini van of hungry family members going on vacation.
Just like an ex, you vow you will never go near them again, but those flashing lights, plastic menus and waitresses with too much blue eyeshadow keep calling your name. And you cave, enveloped by sizzling bacon, runny eggs, soggy toast, and Moons Over My Hammy.
Rebounding never tasted so good.
There’s something about the carby combination of tomato sauce, cheese and whatever toppings you desire that make this significant other hard to break up with. But unlike your crappy ex who didn’t give a sh*t about you, pizza will always lend a listening ear to your drunk ramblings. Hell, pizza will even sleep on the pillow next to you.
However, just like your ex, pizza will always burn you in the end, and that’s when you have to remember: always blow before shoving that delectable slice(s) into your lipstick smeared, salivating mouth.
3. Chinese Food
There’s nothing American than Chinese takeout. General Tso’s chicken, lo mein, and even the fortune cookies taste phenomenal after stumbling home with your shoes in your hand.
Calling the delivery guy is similar to dialing a booty call: deep in your heart, you know it’s not healthy for you and the happiness is only temporary, but you do it anyway.
Morning comes, and your stomach is turning and your heart is aching, most likely from acid reflex. But still, as you tell the story over brunch the next day. #NoRegrets.
Chips are like the ex that you think is harmless but will bite you in the ass. The airy, light snacks seem like something that won’t make you feel horrible in the morning because they’re not as heavy as pizza or lo mein.
But “one more bite” turns into two more bags and oops! Now you have food babies. Without caution, exes and drunchies can get you pregnant. No one is safe.
5. Anything with cheese
Nachos, Easy Mac, the aforementioned pizza – anything with cheese is good in general, but even better when plastered. Cheese makes everything THAT much better.
You can file cheese into your “okay relationship” file. As the old adage goes, too much of a good thing does exist. Your too high cholesterol will know.
Not just sufficient for that time of the month or the after Valentine’s Day sale, candy is an awesome drunchies option. Much like that sappy ex who couldn’t take a hint, the sweetness can be overwhelming at times. But screw it, you’re drunk: enjoy the moment.