I remember the day we met. I was bored and hurt, and I decided to do something about it.
That’s how you came into my life: a little awkward, with a terrible accent and cute as hell.
I guess that’s what happens when you hurt someone and someone hurts you, and you start looking around for something to take you out of all that pain. And then you meet an adorable Spanish guy that you wouldn’t have met if you had just stayed home and tried to heal the right way.
Can you heal from living without one person by putting another person in your heart, in the hole in your chest?
I remember kissing you in the sun by the lake. I was wearing high heels and a tight grey dress; my hair was curly. I fell in love with your sweet grin and your hand holding mine. It was our second date and I was hooked. I forgot myself in your arms and pulled you closer to me.
As we live our lives, as we enjoy our lives, we don’t realize how hard it would be one day to try not to pull that image out of your head every time you feel happy or sad or just nostalgic.
The thing, the crazy-in-something, the-everything-in-the-best-way thing with us was you. You made me feel so… Well, words can only fail me when I try to explain them to you. You made me feel like me, like I actually liked the person I was with you. I loved her. She was funny, sweet and so much fun. She was the girl I always wanted to be. And I hadn’t been her for a while before I met you, so I was happy when she came back when she became me.
See, I have very self-destructive tendencies. I wasn’t loved as much as I wanted to be, anyway. The love that was supposed to be there wasn’t there. It messed up my mind, my heart, and my relationships. I don’t blame anyone but myself for this—I just didn’t know how to handle it properly, and I still don’t.
But when you came into my life, I felt accepted, I felt cared for, and that’s what I missed for a long time. That’s what I still miss. You. Or rather, the idea of you, the person who took care of me, the person who kissed me goodbye, tucked me in with a blanket, and flew home for that wedding. This person also bought me the stupid Oreo muffin and strawberry shake that I still can’t fall in love with. It may seem extremely stupid to someone on the outside, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. And it may also seem extremely pathetic. And it does. It does seem extremely pathetic.
In one of my own articles, I wrote, “The last one broke my heart and made my life so much better because of it. It was a heartbreaking experience, but it changed me in ways I couldn’t have managed to change on my own. If you ask me, I’m thankful he broke my heart. Because when you think about it — it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. ”
You know what that is? Total bullshit.
Maybe there was a day, a minute, a tiny second when I thought it was “the best thing that ever happened to me.” But it wasn’t. It wasn’t the worst either. Then what was it? What do you call it when someone who has eased your breath and strengthened your heart leaves you? It could be all the silly Millennial stuff like going to another country for work, or it could be something as ridiculous as wanting things to be easy, not wanting a long distance relationship, or just not having a heart. But what do you call it when someone who makes you want to smile like a madman, someone who makes you flutter inside, someone who makes you feel like the luckiest person on earth, leaves? What do you call that? You definitely don’t feel grateful for it and you don’t feel like “the best thing that ever happened to you”.
“I was standing in the middle of Sechselaeutenplatz in Zurich and I remembered waiting there for him. I was wearing jeans, a blue oversized shirt, straight hair and my fabulous blue earrings. I looked perfect, or so I thought. He came and I lost all the air in my lungs. I wrapped myself around him and lost myself in the kisses, I had missed him so much. He joked about it, as he always did. I grinned and then we walked along the lake to the Chinese garden. I was happy,” I wrote
The only thing that mattered was the hug that brought all my parts together, the light touch, the perfectly constructed world with the perfect cheesy lines.
It was like I was drowning and you saved me.
And then you let me drown. Call me stupid for not expecting it.