I stood at the middle of Sechseläutenplatz in Zurich and I remembered waiting there to meet him. I was wearing jeans, blue oversized shirt, straight hair and my fabulous blue earrings. I looked perfect or so I thought.
He came and I lost all the air in my lungs. I wrapped myself around him and lost myself in the kisses, I had missed him so much. He joked about it, as usual. I smirked and then we walked along the lake to the Chinese garden.
I was happy.
But here I am 7 months later vowing to be single.
“I vow to be single for as long as I need, for as long as I figure out my life and for as long as I’m not ready to meet someone new, trust someone new and fall in love with someone new. I vow to be single. For now.”
(this is an actual vow from one of my notebooks I wrote in earlier today)
Since that time in Swiss country a lot has changed. Life has a weird way of sneaking up on you and pushing you off the cliff. And that’s where you have a choice. You either find yourself, spread your wings and fly or you fall on the ground, die from the impact.
Not to sound dramatic but I first felt like falling on the pavement, crushing my head aka going out with flair.
But that’s not exactly what happened. Because someone up there had a plan for me and I pulled through and discovered so much about myself.
Sometimes your favorite place is a person.
He was my favorite place and it didn’t matter where we were. Because the only thing that mattered was the embrace that brought all my pieces together, the light touch, perfectly constructed world with perfect cheesy lines.
He left and I found a way to be my own favorite place. I did what I loved, I went on trips, I flew home and there wasn’t a place I would rather be because I finally accepted myself.
I was hurt and the only way out was in.
I literally had to write “I can do it” a hundred times in my little burgundy notebook every day to pull through. Once again I was shown exactly what I didn’t want. I wanted a person who wouldn’t give up on me, who would fight for me, who would make me better and who would love me beyond reason.
He left and I became that person for myself. I started accepting all the ways I am me, I found out that there is no one out there who can do what I can, and there is no other me out there. And I’ve been becoming the best version of myself since.
You fall in love and you open your big heart to the world.
He made me laugh like no one else, he didn’t concentrate on my flaws, he made me the happiest I’ve ever been. It made no sense when he gave it all up. My brain couldn’t understand the whole debacle. And that’s when the questions started to haunt me. Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Was I a summer fling gone wrong? And then I felt used, I felt taken advantage of even though he said it was more than that. But don’t all of them say that when confronted?
He flew. He moved. He sat on the train and he was fine with never seeing me again.
A couple of months later I realized that I had to stop hating what he did and start treating myself with kindness rather than shoving myself into the proverbial grave of insecurities and misconceptions. I had to start learning how to love myself
God is showing you the way.
When I was going through all this my friend said: “But you see how God is showing you that you’re desirable and dwelling on one man who missed his chance doesn’t serve you”. I knew he was right at the moment but I still felt like shit because I let him leaving me define who I am. I let it get to me so much that I could barely catch my breath between crying outbursts in the middle of the workday.
He made his choice. Who would want to be with the person like that? He gave up on the whole thing. Why? I don’t know. But it made me realize so many things about myself. Like the fact that I don’t want to be in a relationship now. I want to write, to travel, to uncover and discover all the facets of me. I want to make myself better, I want to get better at my job and I want to make my hopes and dreams come true.
Eventually, I’ll get to the point in my life when the right man would look at me and that’ll be the beginning of the new adventure, the beginning of a great love and the response to all my prayers.
Someday there will be a man worth my attention and my time.
The last one broke my heart and made my life so much better because of it. It was a gut-wrenching experience but it changed me in ways I couldn’t have managed to change by myself. For what it’s worth, I am grateful he broke my heart.
Because if you think about it – it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.