“I would ruin myself to fix you.”
And that’s what I did. I lost my mind trying to understand yours. Over the past year, my life has been a whole whirlwind of emotions. I was lost, unbothered, confident yet damaged all at the same time. If you think I’m referring to a boy, think again. I’m referring to a love which has taken a toll on my life and will haunt me forever. My father.
I have been trying to view life with an open lens, a clearer view. How can I, when I was abused so much verbally as a child and attacked so many times that I struggle to even look people right in the eyes. For real though, it’s the truth, I can’t look people straight in the eyes without a wave of fear circulating my insides. It’s true what they say and only real once you’ve experienced it – family violence is a courageous struggle of survival. I’m ruined.
For a while, school was my escape. I would thrive off going to school, leaving the miserable torture at home so I could be with people that would make me laugh and bring me back to a happier place. But what hurt most, was seeing peoples’ fathers drop them off at school, showing them affection and love, when I just never received that. I never knew what that felt like.
I still have scars, physically and mentally. I’ve seen things no 15-year-old (at the time) would imagine. To this day, I still can’t comprehend that I’m alive and writing this. They say you should cry until there are no more tears left, but I can tell you that I have made this sorrowful attempt. Did it work? No. Am I still crying? Yes. Growing up in an environment where you are scared to share your thoughts and lie to your friends – hiding what’s really going on at home, hurt my heart. Trying to explain to your teachers that the reason for your poor grades and minimal focus in class was purely a result of being a child trying to grow up normally and function normally when you. just. can’t.
I’m the type of girl that doesn’t really complain. I keep everything to myself, especially personal issues. I have found it has saved me from a lot of questions, but also caused me to remain stuck in an unhealthy headspace where I’m unable to heal. However, I was brought up like that because everything I knew was kept undercover as a secret and only within the immediate family’s knowledge.
It was forbidden to tell others who my ‘so called father’ really was – a human with multiple personalities and a mind full of hate and control. Additionally, as I began opening up to people, I learnt that I have the right to voice my story. What they don’t tell you is that maybe the reason for their aggressive actions is due to their own upbringing. To this day, I still have no hate in my heart for what he did to me. He wasn’t my father. Sure I’m still hurt and upset, but I can’t help but be grateful that I’m free from his cruelty. I’m out of that dark place and now the world is at my feet.
It’s been three years now since I’ve seen your face and had a decent talk with you. I feel sorry for you, but not the guilty type of sorry, the sorry that means ‘you fucked up and got caught.’ Because the truth is, you’re only sorry because you got caught. I know you have many problems but you also had many chances to change and get help. I hope you find peace in your life and heart so that you can learn how to love and treat those who care about you right.
I don’t know what real love is. But I know what change is. I know what pain is. I’m a lonely soul but I’m remarkably complete at the same time. I’m sad but I’m also optimistic. I get back on my feet and regain strength, but I’m pulled back down even harder. I have lost my true self and I want it back. I had my heart broken into pieces from the one person I never thought would. The world has made me a drier, colder person. They say it takes a life to know how to live, and I can confirm that. Funny fact about me is that I’ve always been told I am an old soul, which I inevitably am. Even funnier is that I was even born on old soul’s day. I am proud that I am an old soul, because I envision things, I understand things and I crave authenticity.
Listen, I have something to say. If you have parents that are still together and treat each other with the utmost respect, then let me tell you, you are very lucky. Appreciate it, hold onto it and never take it for granted. Another thing: when someone is acting abrupt, rude, judgemental, or negative, always be kind – because you never know what’s happening at home. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Today I am grateful, for all the people that are loving and kind to me. I would continue talking about the importance of real love, but that’s for another time.