I was cleaning out documents and pictures on my computer the other day when I stumbled upon the suicide note I had written two years ago, labeled “the letter”. I debated for 10 minutes about opening it and reading it. Eventually, I gave in.
Tears fell down my face as I read the words I had written. If you ask me now, I can’t even remember why I felt so desperate and tormented. I know I was dealing with severe anxiety, and that I had lost most of my friends because I never left the house, but I really can’t remember if there was a “breaking point”. The letter didn’t explain my reasoning for wanting to end my life. It was mostly apologetic, and called out some of my family and friends specifically to tell them how much I loved them. But it was still heartbreaking. The words were so sad:
I can’t live in this world anymore because, no matter how hard I try, I see no place for me here. Every day is a struggle to want to be alive. When I think of a future I am overwhelmed with anxiety, yet I see nothing ahead for me. When I think of death I feel peace. I want my peace.
Obviously, I’m still here.
And Thank God I am. Because even though I didn’t know it then, my life that was once dark and lonely became something so different- so much better.
I used to laugh when people tell me things would get better. I would roll my eyes and ignore their attempts at being encouraging. I had just assumed that I was always going to be miserable. And with that, I suppose that led to me considering suicide. Might as well end it if it’s going to be this horrible, right?
As I read the letter I wondered what would have happened if I had gone through with the suicide. But my thoughts quickly changed…silly girl, look at all the good things that have happened BECAUSE you didn’t go through with it.
Sometime in the last two years, I reached peace with myself. I still struggle with anxiety but I do not let it paralyze me. Instead of waking up each morning feeling like I can’t possibly face the world, I wake up excited, wondering what the day has in store for me. My health has drastically improved, I fell in love, and I work for an amazing organization that has both empowered and enlightened me.
I deleted the letter. There’s no need to ever look back on that again. Every day since then has been a step forward, and I will continue to keep moving on, keep learning and loving and being alive.