1. If it’s after 9 p.m., it’s bedtime.
2. Or you’re thinking about bedtime.
3. You have aches.
4. And complain about them. Often.
5. You can’t deal with standing at concerts.
6. Lines? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
7. Canned soups are your lifeblood.
8. You find pets…comforting.
9. You don’t particularly care about being trendy.
10. Or about spilling things.
11. Because you spill a lot. Especially on yourself.
12. You’d rather get a letter in the mail than in your inbox.
13. You find yourself getting excited or worked up about things like kitchenware.
14. You’re proud that you’re a card-carrying Costco member.
15. And you think music they play in most stores is too overwhelming.
16. It’s wine or bust.
17. Okay, maybe some hard stuff once in a while, but nothing fruity.
18. If it’s farther than a mile, we’re not walking.
19. You increasingly get more and more frustrated with new technology.
20. A day is not successful without a nap.
21. Kids who make any sort of noise are not your thing.
22. You become increasingly scared by younger generations.
23. You find yourself having to defend “real books” constantly.
24. Though you can be crotchety, you honestly could care less.
25. Because that’s the perk of being basically 80–you can do whatever the hell you want.
NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!