You’re right. Not everyone deserves you, because not just anyone can handle you.
You are correct in withholding deep and intimate information about yourself from people who have not yet earned your trust.
You are wise for taking mistakes and making them into the lessons that have taught you to stop yourself from falling in love too deeply, too strongly and too fast.
The gift of your vulnerability is one of high value and you should refuse to just let anyone that walks into your life have a special part of you.
But there is one point in which you are very, sorrowfully wrong and it is in your belief that vulnerability is a weakness.
It is your greatest strength. Admitting that you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and are collapsing, admitting that you feel lost and broken. Admitting that you need help does not make you weak. As a matter of fact, believing that no one should ever see you in your fragility is prideful.
You see vulnerability takes bravery. It takes a humble heart to expose your nakedness and your truth. It doesn’t come easily to you, but deep down, I know more than anything in this world what you truly want is to be able to show your hidden self to the people you care about as easily as you breathe.
You are held back by the past scars in which you trusted in a person and instead of responding in love they responded in judgment. You’ve been taken advantage of as a result of making the mistake of opening up to the wrong person.
And that is the main lesson of all of it. Your mistake was not in opening up. It was in opening up to someone who was never mature enough to be able to handle your humanity. Yes, I know your friend loves you, but that doesn’t mean she was prepared to see you in your raw state when all she has seen are the moments that have been pre-rehearsed.
This does not mean that you shut down your emotions, nor does it mean that you conceal them. That’s not the solution here.
You are to do what no human ever wants to do. WAIT.
Wait for the right person/people to be vulnerable with, as well as practicing it with those whom you already know you can trust. You cannot desire vulnerability yet be unwilling to give it.
You want to connect with someone, yet you disconnect from your own feelings and emotions when they try to get to know the real you.
You aren’t going to be able to be honest with others until you have learned to first be honest with yourself.
So be vulnerable with yourself. Confront yourself, do an inner evaluation of the condition of your heart and be real about it. Love yourself enough to admit you have an issue in this area. Have the compassion to forgive yourself for your faults and commit to work towards healing in whichever area you know is damaged.
Realize that what makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful. You are beautiful in all of your scars because they represent how brave you have been to love, in a world that avoids it.
Have enough vulnerability to stick up for yourself. Stop acting like you’re ok with doing things that you really aren’t. Be yourself and not who you think will get you accepted. If you’re upset, say it. If you’re hurt, express it to the person that hurt you (in a healthy) way. People worth keeping around will respect your feelings and try not to do it again.
And I know how frustrating it can be when people don’t pay attention to what you aren’t saying more than what you do say. Your silence says more than your words ever will, but not everyone can catch that about you.
So you’re going to have to take the gamble with the reward in mind. The reward is the joy in finding out that some people will love you even with all your darkness. You will discover people who will accept the parts you show, as well as the shades of your soul you try to hide. And the more you share those colors, the more understood you will be.
And eventually, you’ll find that one special person who will know what you are truly saying when you don’t even utter a word. They will know what your silence means and will be patiently waiting for you to put it into words. And when you finally do form the sentences, their response will not be harsh. Their words will not be of pain, but of comfort.
This person will come in the form of a friend, or it may be as your forever partner. If you play your cards especially right, they will be both those people in one.
That person is out there, never lose hope in that.