You can say that you don’t have emotions all you want, however that is just a lie you say to make yourself think that you are unaffected by the actions of those around you and your environment. You say that so that others will know not to think that they will ever be able to penetrate you. To not think that they can cross a line or break down your walls. You say it so that people won’t try to truly get to know you in a deep way and as a reminder that even if they did try, you wouldn’t let them pass through anyway. You would always keep them at an arms distance.
But you do have emotions. As dumb as it sounds, you’ve been annoyed, and angry and you have definitely smiled a genuine smile. You do have emotions inside of you.
If you didn’t have emotions, you would be a robot. You have just been “choosing” which ones can roam free and which ones to shut down.
What I think you mean to say is that you don’t let others in, and you don’t let your emotions be free. It’s not that you aren’t capable of falling in love. It’s that you choose not to. You don’t love, you just like. You don’t get attached you just get to know and leave. You don’t stay committed you just become acquainted with.
I challenge your statement. You don’t have emotions? That’s a lie. You just run away from them before they can breathe back life into your heart and into your world. Because you’ve seen what it could cost you. You’ve seen what love could cost you when you looked at your family. When you heard stories about other families. The failed marriages, the fights, the betrayal, the divorce. And so, what’s the point? Why get into a mess? Why invite love in when all you’ve seen is how it brings out a person’s weaknesses and destroys lives?
And as you grew older, that way of thinking flowed into your friendships and romantic relationships. So, you say you’ve never been in love. That you’ll never get married. You say you are a tease because its fun and you let others know that you don’t want a relationship. You boast so much about how you can get over a person in five minutes and never feel anything romantic towards them again.
But that’s fake and I’m calling you out on your crap. Because the fact of the matter is that your biggest emotion is fear. You’re afraid to let other people in because it means you will have to be vulnerable before them. You’ve become distant because you’re afraid of how powerfully confusing your feelings are when you meet someone who warms your heart. At the moment you seem to be unbothered by how you are acting, but how long will you be able to handle half assed emotions, watered down connections and lukewarm relationships? You won’t be able to go through with it forever because the truth is, is that it catches up to everyone. The same cycles, patterns, same kind of people just different faces. You’ll grow tired of it. As a matter of fact, you have become complacent and comfortable with how easy your life is at the moment. You think you have it all figured out.
You do not get over people quickly. You run away from what you felt for them quickly. You drop it on the ground and bury it as deep as you can until you feel numb towards them. Never even giving the other person the time or opportunity to express their love towards you.
It’s not that you don’t have emotions. You just don’t know how to handle them. Because emotions are the most powerful and messy feelings anyone can encounter and when they get too overwhelming, you’ll either succumb to those emotions, or you will run away. You paralyze them, because it would be so much easier “to feel nothing” than to feel so much all at once. Love is confusing, painful and drawn out. Mostly, love is incredibly wild. Not easily controlled. And you love to be in control.
So while you say you have no emotions, I don’t believe you. You don’t want to feel the hurt, the burden, the deep pain that feels gentler than a knife.
Here’s the issue with living your life without letting love in. You’ll never feel love overcome you. Love is such a powerful force that it moves people. Love will move you to do the craziest things. You’ll leak your biggest secrets and feel like a child doing it. You’ll be so selfless you’ll be surprised by how much you want to give another person everything that they want and more. Your heart and body will burn one moment and feel electric the next. When you love someone, you make promises you never thought you would. Vows of commitment that you genuinely want to fulfill. When you love and allow yourself to be loved back, a warmth will flow in to your very soul. It’ll feel like warm honey slowly filling your stomach. Love will be that exhilarating feeling that will make you love mornings, because now you can open your eyes and reconnect with this person. Nothing else going on will affect you as much, because love is like a shield over you that covers you from harm, from negativity. You can be so in love that you will actually miss this person when they are on the other side of the room. It’s ridiculous, but you won’t like the distance because you’ll feel like they belong right next to you. Being alone is something you could handle, you just won’t like it as much anymore. What felt okay before, will be a little bit off. Going out alone won’t give you that sense of contentment that it did before because going out with the person who has your heart is so much more fun. Love brings colors into your life that are richer than the deep blue of the ocean.
So when you choose to live your life without letting love in, you block your own opportunity of living life to its fullest. It is not all about sunshine and good times. Life, and love is both the beauty and the ugly. The right and wrong, the happy and the sorrow.
Right now in this moment however, there is a part of you that is dead and empty and dying. You know this. By choosing to live without certain emotions you are choosing to take out such a large amount of color in your life. The color in your eyes will dull without love. Your humor, your perspective, all of it will go bland and that is what is most sad because you are a wonderfully amazing person.
But just know that someone will see right through you. They will see past this facade, this wall that you’ve built up that intimidates everyone else. They will not intimidated.
This person will infiltrate your mind, your thoughts, the hours of the day, your imaginations, your feelings towards your present and future and so much more. This person will be such a powerful force over your life that again, you will want to run and flee, because you know the drill. This can’t happen. You can’t fall.
But on that day and in that moment, you’ll be scared and you’ll continue anyway. Everything inside of you will tell you to drop this person like a fly, push them away carelessly as though they were a dirty old napkin, and yet you won’t. Because you won’t be able to this time. You won’t be able to let go of such a wonderful person that has made your heart feel more alive than it has ever before.
And even though it’s going to be incredibly difficult, you’re going to open up. Slowly. And that special person will be okay with that. And while this person may love you and may be willing to be patient towards you opening up to them, you’re going to have to push yourself. You’re going to have to relax your boundaries and push your limits. Push to open up about your fears, your dreams, your past, and your thoughts.
For the goodness of you experiencing a beautiful life full of all kinds of love, I hope and pray that life hits you. At the right time. I hope that life throws you curve ball after curve ball, because it happens to everyone and it will kill you, shape you, horrify you, mold you, grow you and finally it will transform you. Then, you will come to life fully.