Maybe you lost her because when she was communicating her feelings to you, you called it complaining.
Maybe you feel alone, not because of a lack of people that love you, but your constant refusal to be vulnerable. To be wrong. To show how truly lost you are.
What is the point of having the exterior of a superhero that has it all together, when in reality you have no idea how to get out of the hole you fell into and chose to make a home out of? How much longer will you walk around without acknowledging that you are actually bleeding?
You mask your wounds and attack anyone that tries to help you. As the days go by, you don’t realize that you’re growing cold when what you really desire is to feel the warmth and tenderness of love wrap around you. The saddest part is that deep down, you know that you’re in the wrong, yet you stay in the same cycles. Letting day after day, year after year, Christmas after Christmas pass by in depression, self-loathing, hatred, unforgiveness, hopelessness.
Not because there isn’t a way out.
Because there is always a way out.
But because it takes less effort to actually have to be a man and face what is destroying you.
You make it so difficult to admit that something or someone has destroyed you. It takes a man to admit not only to himself, but to others, that he has destroyed himself. That he has failed. That he has made a mess of a situation. It takes a man to take real responsibility for his actions and decisions and respond to the mistakes that may follow.
But you are still just a boy inside, no matter how many years you’ve lived. You’re a boy who wishes for a savior, but will not admit that you are in desperate need of saving.
And all I ask is that you to give me a chance to show you what real love looks like.
Your picture of love has gotten so distorted and blurred because life has hit you hard. Love is quiet in your yelling and screaming. Love doesn’t fix your problems, it heals them. Love does not judge you, it holds your hand even after it comes to know your transgressions. Love faces every battle with you and it is at its absolute strongest when you are at your lowest.
You secretly hunger for love and yet insist that it cannot be found.
But love is a whisper.
It is not as difficult to find as people make it out to be. Love is the small smile of acceptance. You can hear it in the feathery tone of a person’s voice. If you look, really look, into someone’s eyes, you will find love bursting out.
And in case you forgot, you deserve to have those eyes be directed at you.
My dear, I know that more than anyone else, you know your faults. All the mistakes you have made. That times you have failed. This is your saving grace because above all, love is forgiveness. Acceptance. Loyalty.
And my only prayer, my one true hope, is that you will find the strength in being weak.
I hope you learn that pain is the greatest weapon to growth. I hope that you will see the light that surrounds you, even amidst the storms above you. I hope you come out of your hole victorious. A winner. May you find the freedom that comes with not having it all together. May you be filled with joy knowing that no one really has it all together. You just have to be daring enough to try your best. That is all that is asked of you.
Until then, I will lend out my love and support to you in the small moments that you allow me to.
But please, promise to try to love in.