Yes, you hurt me. You hurt me bad. You left me deeply wounded, because I didn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand why stopped replying to my text messages or why just days after telling me that you missed me, you disappeared. In my mind, this wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. You we’re supposed to be the man you said you’d be. A leader, a guide, someone that would be there to challenge me. Loyal. I believe that’s the man you wanted to be. Unfortunately, you came to me broken. And when someone comes to you broken, one of two things will happen.
You either heal their wounds with selfless love, or they break you too with their lack of ability to selflessly give love.
And that’s exactly what you did. You broke me. Some days you had me on my knees, other times I was completely laid out on the floor bawling. Then there was the anger. Later the emptiness, and to finish it off was feeling like a fool for ever believing in you. Even so, I did not allow my emotions to consume me. I did not allow bitterness, sadness, unforgiveness or hatred to win.
Even in my brokenness, I made one of the toughest decisions a broken heart can make.
I chose to continue to love.
Not you, but to continue to love people. To still have hope, every single day that love is still beautiful no matter how much you damaged my perspective of it for a little. I told myself that just because you injured me doesn’t mean I have to stay lame. I had to remind myself that love is pain, but it is not only pain. There is still beauty, and just because you didn’t accept being loved, doesn’t mean I should stop showing it or giving that love to others. I needed to tell myself daily that I still have a wonderful love inside of me to give to the right man that will appreciate it.
So yes, I was in a dark place but I did not stay there. You better believe it took every ounce of my mental, emotional and physical strength to stand up again. It took all of the love and kindness I had inside of me to forgive you when you finally showed up and apologized for all you had done, months after. I was tested even more when you tried to come back into my life and I had to deny you. It was hard when you left, but it was also difficult to have to be firm and tell you this was our last chapter. I had to look straight into those brown eyes and say no. And I had to mean it.
I was still in recovery, but I would not let you to steal the love inside of me. I decided that you would not take my love or my light down with you. The fact of the matter is, I realized that you weren’t worth all these tears. You weren’t worth this struggle or fight, but someone else out there was.
You will go on with your life never knowing how much you hurt me. But you’ll also go without seeing firsthand that someone can be broken for a time and be restored.
Regardless, still will I love. I will still love, and love strongly, deeply, fearlessly, profoundly, intentionally, selflessly, and boldly.
As the ultimate sign of victory, I do not regret loving you. It molded me, and made me go through a process to love ever powerfully. Ever freely.