He left, like most seem to do these days. He didn’t say why, exactly. But he did make sure I knew all the reasons why I’m tragically flawed. Regardless, he’s gone, and I think I know why.
I terrified him.
I get it. I’m not for the faint of heart. I’m intense and can be incredibly needy. I feel deeply and get hurt easily. I have strong opinions and sometimes take things to the extreme. And I have darkness, quite a bit of it, that I’m terrible at hiding.
I think that’s it. The darkness. That is my fatal flaw. Because as it turns out, most of you are scared of the dark.
“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love”.
– Warshan Shire
I used to try to hide it. I would use smoke and mirrors to trick him into thinking I was normal. Not just normal, but near perfect, with no issues that might seem strange or make him uncomfortable. This worked in the beginning. My scars were deep enough that they couldn’t be seen unless he got too close; I made sure that never happened.
Eventually though, the smoke would clear, and what was left staring back at him wasn’t pretty, at least not all of it. Inevitably, he would slowly back away. That was all I needed. One sign that he was out, and I would do whatever it took to make sure he left. I always wished he would have done it sooner, because he confirmed it; the bad overshadowed the good. And I kind of liked him.
But I don’t think that is all there was to it. I know there is much good as there is bad. There’s something else that frightens him more. I think this is actually the tragic flaw; I ask him to show me his darkness, too – the very last thing he wants me to see. But I need to understand it, so I can figure out how to handle it. If he won’t let me go there, if he can’t go there, then we won’t know how to. But it’s too dark in there, and strange, and uncomfortable. It scares him, so walking away feels like the safer option.
So I guess he would have left regardless, whether it was because of his darkness or mine. I just don’t think it’s possible to appreciate the good without experiencing the bad, and he wanted nothing to do with the latter. He wanted to be safe and for me to be perfect. We both would have remained trapped in a world of deception where there was little room for surprises. But the darkness would have still been there, waiting to resurface, and it would have scared the shit out of him every time.
“Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness”
– R. Queen
That is why I want to meet them, his demons. They are actually who I want to meet most. I want to go to the dark places where they hide, so I can learn to understand them. I want to see the scars they left behind, because his scars are what make him beautiful.
So I’m going to continue to show you my darkness. It might seem uncomfortable at first, but just try to stay longer; you will learn to understand it. And maybe it will convince you to leave. Or maybe you’ll get a glimpse of something beautiful and realize, it’s not my darkness that feels strange, but yours. Don’t worry, I can handle it.
I am not afraid of the dark.