6 Characters You’ll Meet On An Average Night Out

Knocked Up / Amazon.com
Knocked Up / Amazon.com
On any given night out, the men change but the characters remain. After a particularly interesting night out, I got to thinking about the characters from that night — and every other night, too.
Who are they? Let’s take a look.

1. THE PERIMETER BOYS.

These are the men who hang around and surround your girl group. They typically seem creepy — not because they’re not attractive but because they’re whispering and deciding amongst each other “who gets whom.” No one gets anyone, creeper. These boys prefer to ogle and stare you up and down without an ounce of shame rather than strike up a conversation.

The thing about the perimeter boys is that sometimes they close in on your space. They creep closer and closer until you’re basically bumpin’ on their junk. Ew, see sly guy below.

Note to the perimeter boys: Rev up the courage and come up to us. Strike up a conversation. What’s the worst that could happen? We say no? Take a chance.

2. SLY GUY.

That perimeter boy who creeps up on you is also known as the sly guy.

He’s the one who will graze your waist as he’s walking past you because he obviously can’t just say, “Excuse me.” And he’ll do it repeatedly in hopes of catching your attention.

No, sir, that’s not OK. Next time you touch my waist I will turn around and slap you. Not really slap you but verbally slap you; it’s worse. So don’t touch me unless I let you. And don’t creep up on my ass. That’s quite possibly the biggest turn off.

Note to the sly guy: Don’t be so sly.

3. THE PIGEON.

Coined by Krysten Elektra (that’s basically her real name), the pigeon flocks to your group but nobody wants him. Because who likes pigeons? No one. Pigeons break through the perimeter boys and make their way to your inner circle. They’re typically over-the-top personalities with no shame in their game. You’ll mostly laugh at the ridiculousness but don’t forget: the pigeon will quickly get annoying. Why? Because pigeons expect you to like them and their ways.

When pigeons approach your group, they’ve typically had one too many beers, hence their tendency to act like they can conquer you and the world.

Note to the pigeons: Fly away please.

4. MR. FRENCHIE.

He’s similar to the pigeon but takes the “intellectual” approach. Mr. Frenchie is over confident, too, but in a pompous, cocky kind of way. He doesn’t know that he’s raining on your parade because he thinks he is your parade.

As much as we prefer a conversation to your harassment, this isn’t the time to impress me with your “culture” and believed “sophistication.” Please stop telling us you’re French. That doesn’t make you impressive… it makes you French.

Note to Mr. Frenchie: I have a beer in my hand and want to dance the night away. If you want to stick around, dance the night away with me.

5. BREAK-NECK CREW.

These guys take breaking neck to a whole new level. It’s more like the turn-your-head-180-degrees crew. And it’s a crew because most guys break neck as if they were falling dominoes — one right after the other.

(I’m not even going to mention the hissing, catcalling or biting their lips. Oh, and the break-neckers who have girlfriends…that’s low.)

But my biggest problem with these characters isn’t that they’re looking, it’s that they just stand there. Seriously, guys, if you’re gonna break neck when a girl walks by but not go after her, what’s the point? Here I was thinking men were mostly intimidated by intelligence, but apparently an attractive girl who makes him look twice is also too scary.

Note to the break-neck crew: Be subtler. No one likes to feel like a piece of meat when they’re walking to the bar for a drink. Then, make a move.

6. THE ONE.

Not THE ONE I’m going to marry. Just The One I’m going to dance with tonight, maybe kiss tonight and maybe take home tonight.

The One is the little blessing in the midst of the craziness. He’s your type of attractive and the perfect mix of dance moves and conversation.

When he touches you, it’s only because you let him. And somehow, it’s sexy without being disrespectful.

He knows to pull you in to dance but also lets you do your thing with the girls. He’s not overwhelming. You can’t always pinpoint what draws you to The One, but inevitably, he’s got your attention.

Note to The One: Keep on keepin’ on. TC mark

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