I´m riding my nostalgia time machine, I like to do that sometimes. And as I watch the Rascal Flatts´ What hurts the most video I feel my eyes watering. I am about to cry in front of my computer because I´m watching a short love story in a music video. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel terrible for that girl because now I know what it feels like to ask yourself about the future and see someone you love before anything else, and hers died. That is fucking sad. How do you even move on? What if he was the one and died? I never think about this stuff because is a mindfuck for me, I know I can be dead by tomorrow so why bother on thinking beyond today? That´s how I feel, but lately I´ve been doubting myself.
I am extremely afraid of the future. I know things like: I want to get married and have children but I never think about it because it freaks me out. The future just seems like a far away land for me and I like to keep it that way. This has affected past relationships not only with boys but also with myself. I don´t go out with someone for a couple of months and think about him in the future holding my old lady hand, even if I like him a lot. I never do that, for some reason I´m afraid I´ll jinx it, or maybe die the next day, or something along those lines. And I´m still that person but I feel different now, because I have finally found what everyone was so excited about and it didn´t make sense for me, I have finally found love and now that I have it I can tell you that it is the first time. It punched me in the face like nothing ever before.
I used to think I knew what it was like to be in love, and honestly it made me sad to think that this was the feeling everyone was so excited about, writing poems, playing songs, bombing my Facebook newsfeed with cheesy status updates and couple pictures. I just kept asking myself why do I not feel like they do? I mean, I was in love so why wasn´t I writing songs, smiling all day and having butterflies?
I was in love but many times I didn´t feel like seeing him, I didn’t want to reply his texts in one second, and I didn’t want to spend Saturday night just chilling at his house over going to a bar and get shitface with my friends. But I was “in love”. And I wasted a lot of energy trying to convince myself that what I was feeling was normal, every couple does it and every girl often feels this way, so it was ok. And I stayed in relationships that didn´t make me a 100% happy.
And I´m not talking about a one “in love “ experience, I can tell you about many. And because of this many experiences every time I was with a new person and made me feel different I thought “this one has to be, now I´m really in love” but it was just the same story with a different antagonist. Let me tell you, it is possible for someone to break your heart even if you are not in love.
And now, I am positive I´ve found it. Because I finally see the difference between loving a relationship and loving a person, it feels so distinctive to be in love with someone for real. Because I look at him and I know he loves me with every part of his body, and I don´t just love him, I love everything he does and is. I love how his name is weird and no one else has it, I love how he goes on vacation to Las Vegas and buys a ton of books, I love how he is always late for everything, I love his small hands, I love his black hair, I love his serious eyes, I even love how he loves his job even though he works on Sundays. Nothing he does bothers me, he never treats me wrong, and he makes me want to do stuff. That is the greatest feeling. I want to be the best every day because I want to be the best for him. He makes me want to write all the time and I love writing, I forgot how much I liked it until he entered the scene. I don´t think I ever wanted to write for someone this much in my entire life, he makes me want to read it all too, and be smart like he is, find my passion and love it like he loves music, and reading, and writing, and his family and everything he does.
Finally I know what love is and until this moment I realize I´ve never had it in my life before, not this kind of love. It hits you suddenly and hard, it´s scary because you don´t want to notice at first, you feel like you are falling too fast and you want to protect yourself because this has happened to you before and you know it is horrible to be head over heels for someone and fall right on your face after a month or even a year. But then, after a little while you give in and nothing can save you. Because is fucking awesome. It just pulls you in and you know it. You know it is real and you know it has found you. That day comes. And you are going to surprise yourself doing every cliché-in-love-person-activity you swore never to do. And you don´t recognize yourself. You are not going to believe me, and that´s ok, I never believed anyone who told me cheesy stuff like this but it is real. When you find it you are going to do what you love the most to celebrate it, just like I wrote this piece.