1. Post the details of your workout every day.
OK, we’re all fans of staying active and healthy here, but unless you are seriously accomplishing something hugely inspirational (like, you used to weigh 200 pounds and now you’re 125), we DO NOT care that you just ran three miles. In fact, it’s making us feel kind of shitty about the milkshake we’re currently trying to enjoy.
2. Go on a vacation with your boyfriend and force him to take 400 selfies with you.
Here’s a tip: Posting a million photos with your boyfriend does not make your relationship any more valid. And selfies are the dollar menu of photography. We know! You found someone who likes you back and wants to go on vacation with you! We really don’t need to be bombarded with a gazillion shots of your two heads in front of the Eiffel Tower.
3. Never say or post anything even slightly controversial.
We know you’ve got a personality and a brain in there somewhere! Let it out! Have an opinion! Shying away from anything that might subtract a few people from your list of Facebook-connected acquaintances (who likely don’t know you and probably don’t care that much if you’re secretly a little Republican while they’re staunchly liberal) makes you an incredibly boring person. You know what’s better than having 1,000 almost-friends who like a watered-down version of you? A few friends who like the real you—opinions, values, and all.
4. Never let yourself be tagged in a bad photo.
In real life, we know you aren’t always posing with one arm propped up perfectly in a triangle shape to the side. When someone tags you in a less-than-perfectly-skinny-looking photo, have a little humility and let us all see the real you. There’s nothing worse than an album full of “Here are me and my friends posed perfectly in front of the club” and “Here is me and my sister posed perfectly in front of our favorite coffee shop” and “Here is me sucking in every ounce of fat while posed perfectly in front of my favorite store.” Let your hair down, quit worrying so much about your arm looking fat, and just smile for once, lady. I mean, at some point, you gotta exhale. Unless that pic your girlfran’ tagged you in is absolutely hideous, let it ride.
5. Post ugly graphics with cliché sayings every 4 minutes.
Because there’s nothing worse than seeing another round of “Dance Like No One’s Watching, Love Like You’re Never Been Hurt.” OK, maybe there is. Why don’t you just show up at my door and serenade me with Adele’s “Someone Like You” while simultaneously bombarding me with everything Marilyn Monroe ever said contained in little pink boxes and typed out in Comic Sans?
6. Get mad about something trivial and “unfriend” people—only to friend-request them again a week later.
If you’re going to go through the effort of getting pissed off, make sure it’s for a valid enough reason to cut ties with that person or confront them directly. No one like a passive-aggressive unfriender. The act of “unfriending” is the equivalent of smiling in someone’s face and then rolling your eyes as soon as they turn their back—it’s pointless and only serves to make you look like a wishy-washy asshole.
7. Constantly thank whatever god you believe in for stupid things.
As in: “Thank God, I landed another modeling contract!” or “Praise Jesus, I got a big bonus at work!” This makes you look like a First World jackass. In Africa right now, people are praying to the gods that they won’t contract Ebola and bleed out of their eyeballs. Do you really think that your definition of an almighty spirit should be equally concerned that you landed that promotion and can now afford the BMW you really want? Please don’t use religion as a thin excuse to humblebrag about your good fortune.
8. Post EVERY DETAIL about your pregnancy or wedding planning.
We get it! You’re about to embark on a life-changing journey. And we’re happy for you, really. And an update here or there is acceptable and can even be nice to hear. But updating us every day on the status of your growing uterus or the shade of daffodils in your centerpieces is a little too much. In fact, we can’t stand it. In fact, we might just unfollow you until after you either say “I do” or push that human out of your vagina.
9. Write mushy and inappropriately intimate things all over your boyfriend’s wall.
We do not need to know that your pet name for him is “Sugar-balls.” And we do not need to hear about how much you enjoyed last night. And we do not need to be reminded for the thousandth time that “These past three years have been the best years of my life!” Keep it classy and say it in private, gal.
I’m a Gen Y woman and an avid Facebook-er myself, and I share a lot of my life on social media. But it’s always with the goal of amusing others, spreading awareness for cultural or societal issues, and/or truly connecting with people. I sincerely hope that my social-media connections don’t find our online relationship annoying.
I’m sure this little list has offended some of you or even made you sit up and shout, “What a bitch!” But if you can’t handle a little harmless teasing or participate in a small amount of self-reflection, we probably shouldn’t be friends.