When you’re dating a new guy, some degree of awkwardness is a given. But few things are more painfully gut-wrenching than the nuances of early stage text messaging.
In some ways, texting is a blessing. Just think—previous generations had to actually verbalize words and sentences over the phone to communicate with a new love interest. The horror!
You had to be “on” all the time, you had to be in a quiet location, and worst of all, you had to speak extemporaneously without the luxury of time to think of a well-crafted response.
Unfortunately, the downside of texting is that the anxiety is drawn out over several minutes, hours, and sometimes even days. And during this time a cornucopia of thoughts can flood your head—many of them irrational and some just plain batshit.
Fess up, ladies. Anyone who’s ever been single has thunk the majority of these thoughts while texting a guy during the initial stages of dating. We never said it was pretty.
Hmm, I haven’t heard from this guy all day.
Maybe I should text him.
After all, he did send the last text yesterday.
But it was just an emoji, so does that count?
I wonder if he wants me to text first since he sent the last text.
But doesn’t the onus of texting first reset to neutral if it’s a new day?
What if he’s sitting there, willing me to text him and exercising extreme self-control in not texting me?
Screw it, I’m a modern woman. I will text him.
Um, what should I say? Let’s see… “Hey sexy, how’s it going?”
Ack, not “sexy.” That’s too…sexual. He is sexy, though.
Maybe, “Hey there, what’s up? ;)”
No, winky smiley could be misinterpreted.
I’ve got it: “Hey there cutie, how’s your day? :)”
Adding “cutie” is good. Makes me seem confident enough to call him cutie. And who doesn’t like being called cutie?
Wait, should I put the smiley face or is that too juvenile?
No, it’s good. It’s friendly.
OMG, OMG, I’m hitting send! Here I go!
Dunzo. No turning back now.
I feel good about this.
It’s been a minute. Calm down, girl. One minute is nothing.
It’s been two minutes. Maybe he’s trying to think of what to say.
Wait, did I silence my phone earlier? No. All sounds on.
WTF, it’s been six minutes.
Wait, did he text and I missed it? Better check. Nope, no text. Grrr.
It’s been 11 fucking minutes. This was a bad idea.
Why did I text him? I should’ve just let him text me. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Let’s be rational. Maybe he’s swimming in the ocean and doesn’t have his phone on him.
Or maybe he’s driving. I wouldn’t want him to text and drive.
What if he’s with some other girl?
He is definitely with some other girl. It has been 20 minutes. There is no other explanation.
Clearly, I am driving him away with my overeager text messages.
I am totally unattractive to him now.
Wait a second…maybe he didn’t get my text.
There was that one time when my phone wasn’t downloading all of my texts.
Technology doesn’t always work as it should.
Just because cell phones are robots doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes.
Perhaps I should text again. To make sure he got my last text.
But what if technology did work as it should? Then I’d be double texting and he’ll think I’m some psycho stalker.
DAMMIT I JUST CAN’T WIN!
It has been 34 freaking minutes. Really???
Honestly, this is just rude.
It takes like what, two seconds to send a text?
Okay, maybe 20 seconds if you’re writing something meaningful.
But still. Aren’t I worth 20 seconds to this jerk?
Maybe waiting an hour to text back is the equivalent of the wait-three-days-to-call rule from Swingers.
Whatevs. If he can’t spare 20 seconds to reply in a timely manner, he’s clearly not the guy for me.
Hold up — INCOMING!
Ermahgerd! It’s him! What does it say?
“I’m good, how ru? :)”
Aww, he put a smiley!
Still… it took the whole of an hour for that?
I’ll text him back…
…in two hours.