You ask me if I am okay. All I can manage is a nod and feel my eyes watering up. My heart sinks. It’s moments like these that make me feel the most vulnerable and almost disappointed in myself for opening up and falling in love. I’ve always been a firm believer of listening to my own heart and letting it lead me. That’s exactly what I did, but for you “I love you” is just not enough.
When you uttered the words, “I don’t think I can commit anymore”, it was like the time had slowed down. What hurts the most is that I did not see it coming at all. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone so much that it just blinds you and places you in your own fantasy world. You say that you don’t see us working. You say that you can’t balance work and relationship. You say that you are emotionally drained. But what I don’t understand is how your thoughts had changed so quickly within a span of a day. How quickly you made up your mind to want to be alone.
That morning you were still cuddling up to me, asking me if I missed you all week. You wrapped your arms around me when we were ordering breakfast and gave me those usual long loving looks. Even a week ago, we had a weekend getaway at a beach house. It was a weekend full of cuddles on the couch with a glass of Pinot Gris and us talking about our plans for the Europe trip next year, whilst sneaking in kisses here and there. Just laying in your arms in those moments made me feel at ease with you. Despite your snores at night, I was still so grateful to be able to lay next to you and feel your warmth.
It was like I had known you for my whole life and I wanted to share every experience with you. You had said to me that I was a game changer for your plans next year. You were willing to push back working overseas until I could make the move with you because you could not bear to not see me for an extended period of time. You said that you’ve never been happier. You said that you wouldn’t do anything to break my heart or ruin the connection that we have. But now, all that holds no meaning. It’s just a casket full of words.
It always seems that you need to reason everything, even feelings. That’s where I think we are different. I don’t fall in love with someone because of a list of reasons. There’s no rationale behind why I care about you. I just do. Obviously, that’s not enough for you. You say that the timing is wrong. But there is no perfect timing. There is no perfect scenario. Relationships are full of flaws but what makes it so beautiful is two people willing to compromise and work through their differences together to share a strong bond.
You say that I am still young and that it’s not the end of the world. It isn’t but I don’t think you truly understand how I feel about you. You don’t understand how you have shown me glimmers of hope of us together in the future and then smashing my heart into pieces – all within a few hours. That’s what confusing. That’s what I can’t get my head around. I am still in denial with everything that’s happening, but you’ve made your choice and all I can do now is reminisce and retract.