1. The friend who talks too much.
“I bet he’s going to die soon. He’s going to die I know it—HE DIED!!!” This is the friend you hope you will not be sitting next to because you will be hearing more whispers in your ear than the sounds from the television screen. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of the movie this friend has already outlined predictions regarding the story’s entire plotline. Out loud.
2. The guy who came for the snacks.
If you see this guy — the guy with 5 candy boxes, 3 soft pretzels, and enough bags of popcorn to feed a village: steer clear. You do not want to be in range of his splash zone, trust me. No one wants to go home with buttery popcorn bits in their hair.
3. The smelly guy.
What is that awful smell? After making sure it isn’t your own BO, you look around, trying to pinpoint the culprit. Maybe it’s that man with his feet up in the row below you. Yes, probably him. It is almost as if you can see the funky green vapors emanating from his toes. Yuck!
4. The PDA couple.
These people think that just because the theater has less lighting than most public spaces, no one can see them. But the truth is, sitting in front of a bright flashy electronic screen makes everyone in the audience quite visible.
5. The guy who is excited about everything.
This guy really loves the movie. And he’s not afraid to show it. You watch the main protagonist stick it to the villain with a clever remark, by which you react to with a grin or soft chuckle. This guy on the other hand jumps outs of his seat and yells “BOOYAH” before doing an eccentric victory dance, soliciting a wave of hushing sounds from everyone around him.
6. The crybaby.
Hope you brought some extra tissues and an umbrella. The scene isn’t even remotely sad but you hear sniffling already. Even when the trailers are still playing you can hear the sniffles. And this is the movie where the girlfriend loses her memory in a car crash and forgets all about her one true love, breaking his heart and the hearts of everyone watching. Oh boy.
7. The guy who always needs to go somewhere.
You aren’t quite sure if this guy just has a small bladder or is desperately trying to get away from his date, but you do know that every time he gets up to pass by in front of you, that’s another 3 seconds of precious movie time missed. That means you’ve missed 80 seconds of movie time. 80 seconds you will never get back.
8. The guy who laughs when he shouldn’t.
We’ve all had those moments. When your sense of humor doesn’t completely align with everyone else’s and then uncomfortable situations arise. This guy is the guy who either can’t handle serious situations well or notices that the supposedly unconscious security guard’s left eye is twitching while Spiderman is being strangled half to death by the Green Goblin.
9. The sleeper.
Why did they even come?
10. The future director.
This person silently analyzes the camera angles, the lighting, the script, and every gesture each character makes. They are not here solely for entertainment. They are here to collect information, and will eventually turn those 12-dollar tickets into millions.