SUMMARY: If your friends stop inviting you to go places and men stop calling you, there may be a valid reason they shun you.
If only we could see ourselves as others see us.
If your friends stop inviting you to go places and men suddenly stop calling you, there may be a valid reason why they reject you.
When someone criticizes, shuns or mistreats us—we feel rejected. Their reproach can make us feel like there is something innately wrong with us, and we may feel insignificant, worthless and undeserving.
Most times someone’s disapproval is not about you, but about their negative mindset and attitudes. You didn’t measure up to their expectations or rigid requirements.
Don’t buy into their condescending attitudes. It’s their problem; not yours.
Then again—maybe their rebuff is warranted.
We all have negative traits that we want to deny, and when our boorish behavior offends someone, we tend to justify and minimize our hurtful behavior.
Reality check: Are you guilty of these behaviors?
1. You drink too much. When you drink your behavior shifts from affable and engaging to talking loudly and using foul language. You think the f-bomb adds punch to your storyline (girl, you know this is you!) but it offends most people. Your friends tell you to call Uber, but you insist that you’re okay to drive home. Happy hour is glorious but friends will grow weary of someone’s obnoxious, irresponsible behavior.
2. You’re cheap. You grow alligator arms when the tab comes; your short, stubby arms pretend to struggle to reach your wallet in the bottom of your purse. You’re always “short of funds.” You play on your girlfriends’ generosity and you let them treat you to event tickets, cocktails, and appetizers. And you’re a lousy tipper.
3. You’re a taker. You expect a man to wine and dine you, but you never offer to go Dutch, treat him to cocktails, and you’re too miserly to pick up the entire tab. You never offer to pay for gas to the girlfriend who carts you everywhere. You show up empty-handed at a dinner party and you haul home the leftovers.
4. You’re a controller. You choose where and when you will go out with your friends, and if you don’t like the restaurant, venue or the day of the week, you tell them you don’t want to go. You control the invitation list; if you don’t like someone, you manage to exclude them from your friend group. You manipulate your girlfriend into picking you up in her automobile because you’re lazy, cheap and you don’t want to drink and drive.
5. You’re unreliable. You cancel on a girlfriend to go out with a man. You won’t commit to an invitation until the last minute because you’re afraid a better offer will come along.
6. You don’t reciprocate. Your friend constantly helps you out (she waters your plants while you’re out of town or she takes you to the airport), but when she asks you for a favor, you’re busy.
7. You’re rude. You text, check Facebook and talk on your phone while riding in a car with a friend or sitting with someone in a restaurant.
8. You’re self-absorbed. You boast and talk unceasingly about yourself. You’re not interested in listening to others; when someone tries to share a thought, you high jack the conversation, turning the focus back on to you.
9. You’re a know-it-all. You have a strong opinion on everything and you interrupt someone’s conversation to one-up them. Your facial expression tells them they don’t know what they’re talking about. Conversation with you is combative and draining.
10. You’re hyper-sensitive. You overreact to something a friend said or did. You withdraw from her or you confront her, either way you push your friend away. I would never tell you to stuff your hurt feelings, but sometimes it is in your best interest to ignore someone’s inconsiderate behavior to avoid conflict and possibly losing mutual friends. A year later, your girlfriend’s offense can seem minor and you’ll be glad you let it go.
11. You try too hard. When you’re on a date, you’re uncomfortable with a long pause in conversation and so you blab too much personal information. When you see your friends, you dominate the conversation with your long winded narratives about the never-ending drama with your ex and dysfunctional family members, money troubles and problems at work. You wear your girlfriends out with your constant phone calls with the minute-to-minute details of your life. You interrupt someone’s conversation to inject your funny comebacks or to finish their sentence. You do all the calling and inviting because no one ever seems to reach out to you—and you wonder, why.
12. You gossip. A girlfriend hurt your feelings and you feel compelled to spread the news to half a dozen mutual friends, hoping that they will take your side. This accomplishes two things, (1) You burn your bridge with the offending girlfriend, and (3) your other friends view you as a petty, troublemaker and you wind up looking for new friends.
13. You have a negative mindset. You’re closed minded and judgmental; you openly discredit someone’s opinions, ideas and actions. You’re quick tempered and argumentative (an indication of anger issues); the slightest contradiction to your beliefs sets you off.
14. You cling to the past. You can’t have a conversation without venting your anger and resentment about your ex. Your friends try to support you after a breakup, but your bitterness is oppressing and exhausting. You need to get rid of your venom before your friends divorce you.
15. You don’t take responsibility. You drank too much and you minimize your foolish, drunken behavior. You’re deceptive; you manipulate the truth to fulfill your needs. You don’t apologize for an unkind remark or hurtful behavior; you act as if nothing happened and you wait for someone to get over their hurt feelings.
16. You’re thoughtless. You never acknowledge your girlfriends’ birthdays or special times with a greeting card or happy gift. You don’t check up on your friend during her time of sorrow or help her out during an illness (e.g.: take her dinner, walk her dog, pick up her prescription).
If you want to keep the friends you have and make new ones, and you want to stop running off men you are genuinely attracted to, you need to limit your cocktails, talk less and genuinely listen to what someone is saying, get off your cell phone, bury the axe you’re sharpening for your ex, pull out your wallet and surprise your friend with a small appreciation gift.
Don’t let your negative attitudes and offensive behavior push friends and men away.