You’re Single Because You’re Annoying

Dating in the digital age is inexplicably more difficult than dating during our parents time. It was a much simpler time. You go out with your friends, you meet someone, exchange numbers, go on a few dates and BOOM you’re married with kids.

Today it doesn’t quite happen that way anymore. You find your potential boyfriend/girlfriend from various places such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. It starts when someone just so happens to share your post or a retweet, and that carefully selected icon picture just makes him fall right into lust. Being the self-assured person he is, he decides to slide in your messages and take a chance at true love or at least a random hookup for his troubles. To his surprise you actually give him your phone number. Of course this exchange doesn’t last long because SIR, YOU’RE ANNOYING.

Most guys initially mess up when they try to hard. Sending her constant messages if she does not respond at the speed of your choosing is unacceptable. Maybe she’s busy with work or school. But being that we have established you’re annoying chances are she’s ignoring you. Constant messaging doesn’t increase affection just lessens it. So back off the keyboard, BRO.

Probably the most important message I have to impart upon you is the unsolicited penis pictures. Penis pictures are the online equivalent of the subway flasher. You know that creepy guy wearing the trench coat. Yeah, that’s you. DON’T. PLEASE. It is very much so not enticing and will usually result in getting blocked. You can’t possibly respect me by sending me your penis first thing in the morning, as if that is equal to a morning text. I have yet to discover what your favorite color is but I know your penis curves to the left? BYE ANNOYING!

Also, stop making me lie to you. I let my apprehensions be known but you take that as “let me be more persistent.” I pride myself on being an honest person, but you don’t want to hear the truth, so now I have to fake like I’m a workaholic because you just don’t want to take no for an answer. Maybe channel that energy into achieving positronic distillation of subatomic particles so David doesn’t have to live in Minsk anymore since you’re so persistent.

Don’t bash my ex boyfriend in the hopes of getting closer to me. That just makes you appear extremely insecure. No one likes an insecure spouse.

Lastly, Netflix and chill is not a date. When you’re serious about getting to know someone meet up in a neutral setting. Keeping it traditional is still appreciated. Some people won’t feel comfortable having a first date on your sofa. Gentle reminder, too much affection too fast is suffocating. Nothing kills the mood like having to smack you because you can’t keep your hands to yourself.