I was scared this day would come. I was scared things would turn out this way. I was scared and I asked for your well-being from the beginning of time. I asked that if he were to leave, if he was so sure that he wasn’t just going to drag another soul down with him; I asked that he’d take care of you the way he didn’t care for me. I asked that he’d never ever do what he’d done to me, to you. I told him to confide all his blades in me until he knew to control them, because I knew I was the only person who knew his light and darkness to the core. Because I believed that if I held on long enough, I could be the one to heal him before he’d hurt anyone else. Because I had already been scarred this much and this long.
But now you know him too. 5 years short of what I know, but you still know him too.
I know exactly why you might hate him at times. I know exactly why you love him.
I know exactly what you are realizing each day. I know exactly what it feels like to look in the mirror. I know exactly what it feels like to let your imagination run from the bits you might see from social media. I know what it feels like to be crying with every inch of your body in pain, banging on a cold, closed door, with the possibility of it reopening again slimming every day.
I know what it feels like to know the existence of my face. The reminder of why you’re in pain.
I know what it feels like to be forced to love yourself when you’ve never did in the first place.
No matter what it may look like to you on my end, know I know to my very core. Know I feel. Know it’s not rainbows and sunshine on this end either.
There’s so much that doesn’t make sense about this picture. I know.
I am just sorry. Sorry that you had to be a lesson to two foolish strangers you never had to know, because they were too young to love themselves, to handle themselves correctly. You were the teacher to two people who lost themselves and tore other souls down with them in their war of being unable to fight for what they dreamed.
You couldn’t receive the best that you deserved. You and all the people around you. Around us.
We hurt many people in this process of losing ourselves.
And I think you deserve one of the first apologies during this time.
I can’t ask for forgiveness, because I too, am seeking it every single day. Because remember, before you, there was me. And although I prayed no one would walk my shoes, because no one deserves it, here you are, wearing the pair I left behind.
I pray for the both of us each day. I pray that we find healing, we find forgiveness, because forgiveness is not for our sinner, it is for the peace and freedom of ourselves. I pray that we find love within ourselves, I pray for our growth, and I pray that we become the very person we were meant to be.
I think everything happens for a reason. Even if we may not understand it now.
But we are always where we are meant to be, in order to become the person we need to be. You taught me many things. About myself, life, and the capacity a person can have to love and forgive. May you find a few good things to take with you from this as well.
I know there is nothing that I could say or do that can take this pain away. But do not allow yourself to fall victim to someone’s inability to value himself enough to understand the affect he has on those around him. Do not fall victim to someone’s inability to value you the way you deserve to be. Do not fall victim to yourself and only grow to be the best you can be.
Wishing you a safe journey, always. Have strength, have courage, and have love.