I don’t know but I just feel that the whole idea of getting into relationships that you put so much effort into is so damn depressing. The fact that at any point of every human being’s life, you can be tempted to fall for someone else is so frustrating, myself included.
How would you know if I fell for someone else? And even if you knew, there’s nothing you can do about it. I know I love you and I might actually be sincere in my feeling towards you, but still what if I met someone who is far more interesting, more joyful, more caring, more tender, more understanding, and above all more interested in me than you ever were? Or maybe he’s just better at showing me all of his good virtues – maybe he’s not sincere, maybe it’s all an act, maybe he’s just a better liar. But what if I fell for it, there’s absolutely nothing u can do; it’s out of our hands after all. Falling in love is out of our hands, don’t you think?
I could be with you but my mind will be somewhere else; I would spend time with you yet crave his attention, crave his conversations, crave his sweet talk, and I wouldn’t tell you because that would hurt you. I would keep on being with you and I would still love you but eventually I would want to know what it’s like to be with him, what it’s like to have him being mine.
And one day I will give in to his constant tries to get to me; one afternoon when you’re out with friends, I will try to see you and I’ll insist and you – thinking it’s just nothing important and we could meet tomorrow – will tell me lets meet tomorrow instead. I will give in to his request and I will think to myself, I know I shouldn’t but I will tell myself that it’s nothing; we will just grab a cup of coffee and discuss trivial thoughts. But deep down I know it’s not “nothing”; deep down I know I want to get to know him more.
I want to know his deepest secrets and the thoughts that keep him up at the middle of the night; I want to know his memories, his fears, and the type of music that moves him; I want to know the lies he told, the scars he have, and why he hates his family so much.
Maybe I will just spend a couple of hours with him and if you, unfortunately, happen to call me in those couple of hours, I will probably not answer, and you will think it’s fine. Maybe I am in the middle of something, maybe taking a bath, you know I love taking long baths, but I wasn’t. I’ll probably call you first thing when I get home, I’ll call you back because guilt is consuming me and you wouldn’t pick up, I know you’re busy this time of the day; and a few minutes later he would call and I would be hesitant, should I answer?!!
I don’t want to be doing this to you but it’s just a phone call, after all it’s far less of a big deal than meeting him in person, isn’t it? So I will take the call. We would spend a couple of hours talking and in the back of my mind I will think, how come we can still find things to say when we were with one another just half an hour ago? But will dismiss the thought anyway and enjoy the talk.
I love you, don’t you dare doubt it. But maybe you should have paid more attention to me, and this is something I wish I could tell you but how could you tell someone bluntly it’s either you pay more attention to me or someone else will, without sounding so arrogant not to mention a bad person?
But it’s the truth behind me, behind my complicated personality, most people I meet find me interesting – they want to get to know me. Maybe after a while they would decide they don’t want to know me anymore, but many would still want to keep me in their lives; and I kind of got used to it – to being one of the most important things in people’s life. I am used to being a priority in the lives of the few people I am close to, and maybe with you I don’t feel as such.
And I love you. I shared with you things I only shared with a few, very few, but it’s just plain dumb to underestimate the power of the attention someone can give you, especially if you feel in lack of some, so what would I do?
I will keep you; you’re safe and I love you, or so I think. I don’t want to regret what I could have had with you; I don’t want to get lost in the “what if’s” and “could have’s.” I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t help not getting to know him better.
See, I understand how you fell in love with her and out of love with me. I understand. I fell out of love with you a long time ago.