When she breaks – you may get a glimpse of it. You may see it fleetingly in her gaze. She pulled the trigger and you reacted. So you send her an explosion of your anger and pain, not realizing the shock your words impacted. She accidentally set off the trigger, gazing your heart when she should have kept the safety locked. She should have known better than that. You don’t see past the red in your eyes, the shrapnel of her soul. You call her stupid, ugly names. You tell her to go away and you never want to see her again. You tell her you cannot forgive her. You tell her now you see her true colours. So she falls silent.
Now you have both hurt each other. Between you lies a river of bad blood and no one gets out alive without scars.
When she breaks – she will keep it from you because she has learned that silence is her shield. She clings to her vulnerability behind a mask that annoys you in its dullness.
How could anyone not see how faulty their logic is? Yet there is no logic to emotion.
After all you taught her – your anger trumps her soul. She has learned that your anger is an inferno. So she pretends in order to protect her heart to feel nothing, to pretend like she believes – she is nothing. This causes you to rage even more because why won’t she trust you to open up? How can she trust you won’t blow her up again?
When she breaks – her numbness is soul deep. It reaches to the places she hides even from herself because it hurts too much to acknowledge all the broken pieces.
All the people she remembers hurting. Not because it brings her pleasure but it gives her sick, toxic, understanding that she is a failure and will never amount to anything.
When she breaks – you will never get the opportunity to see it. She will not let you. Not unless you’ve seen her break before. Even then – you’d have to be present to watch her fall into pieces because you can bet she will cry in her loneliness. She will rage into the dark and night. She will believe the monsters that overtake her spirit. She will believe she does not deserve to be loved.
You will never witness her at her lowest. You will never witness her fall apart. You will never see her self-destruct from shame, guilt and self-hatred. You will never see her lose herself to the monsters she fights every day. She will never open that up to you. You didn’t earn it.
When she breaks – she has no one to really catch her fall. When she breaks – there will be no one there to pick her up from pain or sorrow. When she breaks – you will tell her to toughen up.
When she breaks – she was already at the pinnacle of her strength.