I love my boyfriend—no, I really do. He’s handsome, he’s sexy, he makes me laugh—but he has the personal hygiene habits of a barnyard animal. I’ve lived with him for six months now, and I would never have made that blind leap of faith and commitment if I knew what a pig he is.
Here are only a few of the many disgusting things I’ve had to endure while living in the same one-bedroom apartment with him:
1. He does NOT trim his fingernails or toenails.
Never. He just lets them grow like he’s some Russian mystic or traveling fortuneteller. All sorts of gross grime gets lodged underneath them, and when I try to say anything about it, he calls me “uptight” and a “baby.” Again, I love him—but it’s behavior like this that makes me want to kick him in the balls. I sometimes fantasize about a group of burly cops holding him down and clipping his nails against his will. Is that wrong?
2. He scratches his balls more often than he kisses me.
Speaking of his balls, he’s always scratching them slowly like a psychiatrist strokes his beard while listening to his patient. I asked him if it’s some sort of rash or jock itch, and he says no—he just likes scratching his balls. It makes him feel good. Fine. But can you do it when I’m not around?
3. He will aim his pee at traces of poop stuck to the sides of the toilet bowl, hoping to dislodge them.
What’s worse, he’ll call me in to watch. The first time this happened I was really drunk and thought it was hilarious. The second time I was completely sober and screamed loudly before running out of the bathroom and calling him a dick. And he laughed at it all. It sort of makes me wish that the next time he does this, an alligator would come up out of the toilet and bite his dick off. I say “sort of,” because I don’t really want this to happen because, as I’ve already said, I love him.
4. He leaves skid marks on his underwear.
Big, long, obvious, revolting streaks that are so prominent I almost think they’re intentional. It’s like his asshole is Vincent van Gogh and his underwear is a canvas. It makes me hate him. On the few occasions I’ve thought of his skid marks during sex, I dried up faster than a thimbleful of water in the Arizona sun.
5. He uses his socks like they’re a mop.
If he spills a half-gallon jug of chocolate milk onto the kitchen floor, he won’t do what a sane person does and grab a roll of paper towels. No, he’ll wipe it up with his socks—WITH his feet in them. Why do I love this man?
6. He uses the same towel so long, it becomes like a mold factory.
He often smells like a mixture of mildew and penicillin because he has some weird thing where he’ll shower three times a day but won’t wash the towel for six months.
7. He pees in the shower—WHILE I’m in there.
Theoretically, I understand why guys pee in the shower. It’s convenient and it saves on the water bill. And I wouldn’t mind if he did it while showering alone. But every month or so we’ll shower together, and every time he’ll pee right while I’m standing next to him. He splashes my ankles and everything. I wonder how he’d feel if I suddenly got my period in the shower and the blood got all over him? I think he may soon find out.
8. He leaves beard clippings in the sink like they’re lawn clippings.
When the occasional mood strikes him to trim his beard so it looks a little bit less Karl Marxy, he never cleans up after himself. The bathroom sink looks like a magic carpet of pubes. I have done nothing in this life, nor in any of my multiple past lives, to deserve having to ever see such a nauseating spectacle.
9. He picks his nose because it “helps him breathe.”
That’s the excuse he uses—if he doesn’t have half of his fist shoved up one nostril digging for gold, his breathing is impaired. And once he strikes gold, he pulls it out and examines it like it’s a fine gem. What did I ever see in this guy?
10. He picks his earwax with a pen.
And not the pen cap—the actual pen itself. Ink side into the ear. And then he’ll examine what gets crusted on the pen tip. I think I’m going to break up with him.
11. He doesn’t floss.
We’ll be making out and he’ll pull back and smile at me, and I’ll see half of his McDonald’s Happy Meal stuck between his teeth. He should realize that not only does this cause tooth decay, 4 out of 5 dentists say it can end your relationship.
12. He blows his nose in public—WITHOUT a tissue.
This absolutely gross habit is known as a “snot rocket.” He’ll hold one nostril shut with his index finger and then blow hard through the other nostril, sending a disgusting bloody booger sailing into the air where it can stain apparel and ruin lives.
13. He belches so loudly that it scares my cat.
What’s worse, he thinks it’s cute. We’ll be curled up on the couch watching some show and out of nowhere will come a high-decibel belch that sends my poor cat leaping six feet into the air. Even my cat thinks he’s disgusting. That’s it—I’m leaving him.