It’s not easy being naked in front of anyone, least of all someone you want to want you. The judgments each of us make on our bodies are harsh enough without wondering what another is thinking. But I stood in front of you mostly unclothed, raw, and profoundly vulnerable. It was an invitation for you to see past the girl with a put together smile, who has sad eyes. I wondered what you thought when you looked at me.
You never said much, and I can’t tell what I saw in your eyes when I let you see me like that. Were you surprised? Was it a pleasant surprise or did you expect something more, something better? Did I see quiet arousal? Was it disappointment? Was it excitement? I know my body is filled with imperfections but I always thought it was enough to satisfy the senses of most men. Or at least I hoped it would be enough for you. Maybe it’s all in my head but I swear there was a look in your eyes that I cannot shake from memory.
I wanted to ask you in that moment if what I was and who I was in this body would be okay for you, would be okay for the night. But you began to kiss me and I soon forgot. My body pressed heavily against yours, our eyes closed, deep kisses, long kisses; the kind of kisses that make you forget you’re supposed to breathe. And sooner or later I found myself lost in your warmth. For the moment, I forgot about my body and your body. I forgot about everything.
We didn’t make love and I can’t tell if that was the real reason you left too soon. But nature’s womanly reminder had arrived a day early. And my self-consciousness took over. I knew no matter how much you wanted from this body that night, and still uncertain of how much I wanted to give you, I would feel too ugly for you to take me in that state anyway. And then the thoughts of my body’s imperfections returned. Were my breasts too small? Were my thighs too big? Were my curves and hips and butt womanly enough? Were they too much? It’s easy to feel flawed in every way in these moments.
And then I saw your body as these inferior thoughts ran through my head. And I thought about how something and someone could be so perfect and imperfect at the same time. I still wanted you; I still want you. Because being naked in front of you makes me feel desired yet uneasy. It makes me feel protected yet exposed. It makes me feel empowered yet humbled. But perhaps above all, it makes me wonder if my nakedness is beautiful to you. Because unless you say so, I’ll never truly know. But I suppose it’s just as well. You always leave me wondering, wanting, and waiting.