It’s pathetic. You don’t have to tell me. I deleted you from my phone the other day when I realized you didn’t want me. But I regretted it immediately. I wanted to maul over the texts you sent. I want to pine over you. But I memorized your number anyway. You know, just in case you change your mind. I don’t want to forget you.
Why did you make me believe I was beautiful? Why did your touch feel honest and extraordinary? It felt like you saved me from drowning. It felt like heaven and earth moved when you were close to me – the way you pulled my hair away, and grabbed my face; your fingers slowly caressing my legs. Why did you even do that? Why did you give me false hope?
I didn’t even want to kiss you that first time. You grabbed my face like you owned it; like you owned me. I was on the verge of tears when it happened. Sitting here, thinking about it, I told myself it’s because I was half-sober and I’m not used to that. But I know it’s because my heart had become so cold, my body had become so used to being alone that your touch felt alien. And then it didn’t. I held on and I kissed you. I liked it. I liked you.
And I told you things. And I fell too quickly. Like a child, I didn’t look before I leapt. I believed that you meant what you said – I believed you. And I wanted to believe that there could be an us. That somehow, someway there would be us somewhere in the future I could not see.
But you forgot me. You forgot that I can make you smile, and laugh, and think; that I can make you feel alive. Yet I would still give you a chance if you asked. I would still want to know you, if that’s what you wanted. I would still let you in. Because it’s you.
Because I’ve been told that when you feel for someone, when you really feel, you have to forget everything and just be with the person. I guess I don’t care if you deserve me, and I don’t even know what that means anymore. I guess I just want to be loved like everyone else. I guess I just wanted to be loved by you, eventually, possibly, hopelessly.
And I don’t want to forget you.