When I was little, my mom used to tell me to count to ten whenever I wanted to let go of my anger, tantrums, or tears. But tonight, as I am writing this, I’m going to countdown to ten as I am letting go of you.
Ten. I was a clear night sky but you came in and suddenly, there were fireworks all around me. You lit up my world every single time you chose to say hi to me in the hallways or every time you sent me a text message. I didn’t know if you felt the same way but every night, before I went to sleep, you were my final prayer, final wish, and final thought.
Nine. My path was going straight to its own direction but you – you crossed it and came in my life trailblazing. It was a sudden intersection and I couldn’t get myself out of it. After first meeting your eyes, you encapsulated my mind. All I ever did was think of you and hoped that you were thinking of me, too.
Eight. I was in the middle of the ocean, drowning, not because I can’t swim but because I wanted the oceans to just suck me out of this world. I wanted to be gone. I was depressed. I was broken. But you gave me a reason to wake up every morning, keep moving forward, and realize that this world is still a beautiful place to live in.
Seven. Whenever my life was at the edge of its cliff, you held on to me like I was the last person you’d want to lose. You didn’t let me fall in this trap of life and maybe that’s why I fell for you instead. You saved me from myself and that was something I would thank you for until forever.
Six. We didn’t have a label but your actions are enough for me to think you were the one. That you were the one who was meant for me, the one who will never hurt me, and the one who will never leave. I didn’t know if I assumed it right or wrong but I trusted you and I trusted my feelings enough to destroy the walls I’ve built myself to protect this fragile heart of mine.
Five. But your fireworks brought smoke into my lungs. I didn’t realize it but somewhere in the middle of it all, I started heaving for air. The toxicity was almost killing me. You brought colors into my life but there came a point where you suddenly stopped and the colors were all inevitably fading, even if I didn’t want them to.
Four. Our paths may have intersected a lot of times but every single time, they find reasons to go into different directions. It’s just that we lived different lives – you loved music when I loved words, you were out socializing with other people when I was an introvert who’d rather be alone. I could list our differences and never stop but we pushed them all away when we were together, removed them out of our sight when we made our own universe. But they all came tumbling back now, pushing us away from each other like a tug of war. And this time, the both of us are not winning.
Three. I finally learned how to swim. Swim out the waters when I thought the world is better off without me. Swim to the shorelines when the whirlpool of life is trying to get me. You were one of the persons who taught me how even though your eyes were an ocean I wanted to explore and even if I tried so many times, I always ended up failing.
Two. I let you be my savior in times of darkness. I let you be my anchor when I didn’t know how to stay on the ground. I let your words cleanse me of all the sadness I was experiencing and my memories of you remind me of why this world deserves me. And when I fell for you, you caught me but you got tired of the burden and decided to leave me. Thank you because I now learned the most valuable lesson of all – I did not need anyone but myself to save me.
One. All throughout the years I’ve known you, I didn’t know my place in your life. If you asked me what your place is, I’ll tell you you’re at my heart, engraved at it – never fading, never going away. I’ve always loved you, you know, and you say (and I felt) that you did, too. It gets exhausting, however, to keep running and never knowing what the destination is. I guess, this is the time I’ll have to run away now and never look back. To leave and never leave traces. Because for us to know the value of each other, we have to lose each other first. For us to learn not to take each other for granted, we first have to be away from each other. I am leaving now, finally letting you go. You were the hand who’s keeping me from falling down the cliff and even if I’m scared, even if it hurts, I am letting go of my grasp for you to finally be free.