It’s Time To Stop Clinging To The Pain You Caused Me And Allow Myself To Love Again

Thought.Is
Thought.Is

It’s been almost a year since I decided to move on from you, but it was just months ago when I finally did it.

Time passed by for me with nothing special to take note about the day or regularly write something memorable in my diary. It just wasn’t like what it was back then anymore. And it kills.

Without you it was easy, but it was also hard.

It all seemed like I was just waiting for time to go on without even looking forward to something. It was like I was moving but not entirely doing; breathing but not completely existing; living but not exactly being.

Those were the simplest words I could think of to describe a life without you, the simplest words and yet the hardest to fathom.

Because without your voice, I hear nothing but tuneless melodies. Without your words, I write nothing but nonsensical compositions. Without your eyes, without your smile, I see nothing but a world of grey, a world of melancholic reality.

But no, without you, there’s just no words to say or to write.

Without you, I’m just not me.

But I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and in the process, hurt myself, too.

Because I hurt you in ways I couldn’t count. I hurt you when I was sad and I didn’t even know why. I hurt you when I was too isolated from the world that I forgot you existed. I hurt you when you we’re the one approaching me but I just couldn’t put myself near you. I hurt you when I pushed you away, with or without acceptable reasons.

But you hurt me, too.

You hurt me in ways you couldn’t even count… Or you wouldn’t even notice. You hurt me when you we’re away and you we’re doing nothing to make me feel like you we’re there. You hurt me when you acted like a ghost, being there for me at times but estranging me when you no longer want to be there. You hurt me when you made me feel like you changed, like you we’re not the guy I loved anymore.

Because the guy I loved called me his princess. The guy I loved made me feel his presence even through the miles stretching us away at both sides. The guy I loved took his priorities seriously but never treated me like one; he treated me like I don’t just deserve to be a priority, that I just deserved even a little bit of his time, a few minutes from his day. The guy I loved sent me messages and quick responses that always seemed to get me back up on the track when I seemed to get lost in the dark. The guy I loved just smiled, just looked at me like I was one of the reasons he keeps on going; one of the factors in his life that inspired him to live, that was making him glow.

I am not saying that you’re not that guy anymore. You just took a little curve from that direction and boy, that little curve seemed to hit me in the chest. You just became far from that boy, at least that’s what my minds telling me.

But even if I had to go on and let my mind win over my heart; even if I let you go when all my muscles and blood vessels were telling me otherwise, you’re still that guy I loved, still the guy who changed my definition of love, still the guy who changed my world.

Now, I’m here thinking about the past when I’m supposed to be taking a step towards the future. Because I have met this guy and for a few days now, I know, based on my instinct and my feelings, I have been attracted to him. He’s not too far yet not too close to my type of guy. But he’s just not my type, at all. However, I feel like I want him in my world, like I need to be close to him – even just as friends.

But there is this one wall blocking me from doing so, it’s that feeling of betrayal in my chest which has been bothering me every time I look in his eyes.

Because when I look at him, I see him, but I also see a part of you.

When I glance at him writing, I see him, but I also see you holding your pen as you write your notes with all the determination to study it at that night. When I hear his voice, he’s got this weird accent that I find cute but damn, I still hear yours comforting me whenever I was down. When I’m near him, I love the feeling but boy, I still think of what it would’ve been between us – where we went wrong, when we fell apart.

But I want to release you as I release myself from the chains that I myself made when I met you.

I want to climb up again, go up the ladder as I ascend the mountain of yours that you’ve made me fall into when I first saw you. I want to close my eyes seeing us as we could have been but open my eyes with the acceptance of the fact that if we’re really not meant for each other, then we are not, but if we are, then so be it.

Finally, I want to find my world again because I’ve been so busy being the moon that revolves around you that I forgot that I have my own self, too. TC mark

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