I’m starting to question why I’m feeling this way again. Smiling at random times of the day at the thought of someone. Checking my phone regularly to see if I have been remembered. Tweeting lame and corny statements that I would rather not say. Bones shaking. Knees trembling. Heart palpitating. And now, I’m writing about a special someone again and this is where I realize that this – whatever this is – is different.
The girl I was months ago was curling in her bed grieving over something that never even existed – a love that’s been ignored and time that’s been wasted. She used to cradle herself to sleep with all her thoughts on this boy who chose to love halfway and crush her heart away. Whatever mutual thing they had for years, she realized, was gone. And she knew she should’ve started to let go ever since her instincts told her to do so. But every time she moved forward, this guy pulled her backward. Every time she decided to let go, something popped up that made her change her mind. Every time she felt strong enough to forget, fate just wouldn’t let her do it.
But finally, she broke away from the chains of believing that there’s still something to hold on to and someone to wait for.
She took in what would have been the hardest realization to swallow – that life will always go on even if you don’t want it to. And that, maybe, this guy wasn’t just the right one for her. She patiently picked all the shards of her “barely-surviving” heart and with all her determination, she tried to put them all together again.
Today, it’s just me though. It’s not some “she” or “her” anymore because that girl was meant to stay in the past. Today, some may call my heart whole again – even I can assume it is – but deep inside, there are missing pieces that could never be found again. There are scars and wounds that band-aids and chocolates couldn’t fix. There are spaces and voids that could never be filled again. There are only these butterflies that wake up in my stomach driving it crazy; go up to my lungs sucking up all the air inside of me; travel to my throat taping my mouth speechless, and finally; fly slowly to my heart, each of them giving the warmth and welcome I thought I’d never receive.
This is for the guy who made this possible – the butterflies, I mean. For you who gave them another reason to live again. If it weren’t for you, I would’ve declared them dead and nonexistent since the past chose to break me. If it weren’t because of you, I would’ve never discovered that they were never gone, in the first place; they just hibernated and chose to fade into the unknown until they knew it was right to come back. They were always just there, waiting for the right time.
And now was that time. Because when I looked at your eyes, it seemed impossible for me to believe the way I was feeling it. The feeling of these creatures inside of me slowly arising from the dead, one by one. I can feel their ecstasy and excitement in existing again.
I can sense a fire burning in my chest, a flame ignited by these butterflies as they celebrate their coming back to life.
Thank you because you saved me from burying them all alive. You saved me from losing the beings that reminded me of myself. You saved me. You saved them. You did. You.
You – who, in the first time I saw, never really captured my heart that much. You – who, as I go through the weeks where I only see you twice or thrice, seem to take my heart away in one piece declaring it yours. You – who have that smile so enticing and captivating, look at me like I’m just another regular girl but doesn’t know that you are more than that to me. You – who I am never planning to tell my feelings to, will never realize that the girl right in front of you might be just another moon revolving in your world.
Thank you to you, even though you may never see this. Thank you because when I thought I was stuck in the past, you grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me back to life.
Thank you because when I believed I’d have no one else to connect with again, you talked to me like I seem to deserve a chance.
Thank you, most especially, because when I was scared of risking it all again, you took me out of my hysteria and gave me a new reason to look at things differently.
But through everything I’ve been feeling, I am sorry. Because I may never be the girl enough for you; I may never be the girl you deserve, in the first place. Because I am guarding my heart and there are walls built around it again. Because I think I am going to give my all and blame you if we end up hurting each other in the end. Because even when I know, for a fact, that everything has to end, I will always choose to fall down face-first and melt in the magma of love. Because I may be a girl of order and tranquility but, really, it’s just all chaos inside of me.
I really am sorry. But still, thank you.
I now realize that I belong to this species of butterflies you have rejuvenated. I was just their niche and they were just my parts. It just wasn’t them you gave life back to. It was also me. Because when I thought of fading into the unknown, you restored the color in me. You took me out of my cocoon. You took me out of my sleep. You just didn’t know, you have resurrected me, too.