There’s No More Pain In My Heart, But I Still Miss You

There’s no more pain in my heart but to tell you frankly, I really really really miss you.

For such a long time, I have written about you and for you. I wrote about the moment I met you – when you touched my shoulder to ask a question and I didn’t really respond.

I wrote about that unexpected time when I whispered something and you noticed me and said something so random – that was the first time we had a conversation.

I wrote about the way I slowly and gradually peeled the covers of myself just because you were the type who makes me want to be me – and you accepted my quirks, weirdness, and flaws.

I wrote about the stories you’ve told me – you were broken, scared even, of love.

I wrote about how you made me love myself – that for such a long time, I dwelled on my past and thought I was never enough.

I wrote about the simple things, the ones I will always remember – that food you were once sharing with me, that note you’ve wrote for me, that pen I let you use, or the way your hair was when you had just woke up and ran to class.

I also wrote about the ending – that time we both had to go in opposite directions and say our goodbye’s.

I wrote for you. I had so many things to say to you but because I lacked courage, I wrote them instead. But even if I wrote every single thing I felt for you, it still was not enough. It feels like those are not just the things I’d say to you.

Maybe because I’ve been saving this to write for you. Maybe because it’s only in the aftermath of the ending that I can only completely write about all the things I wanted to tell you. Maybe because I was so scared before but am less scared now. Or maybe because I have just seen how happy you were with someone new.

But, love, when I met you, you told me how you were not ready for love because of the way it broke you, the way it hurt you. It was fine by me, waiting for you to be ready until you could finally open your arms – and when you did, I would be there.

But perhaps, I was only the bridge that took you to your destination and not your destination, itself. Perhaps, I was only the night that you’ve loved with all my beautiful shining stars but now, you’re finally ready for your sun to brighten you fully, for the day to finally dawn on you.

I am happy for you, I keep telling that to myself. I kept telling myself I do until the tautology made it finally real. Because now, there’s no more pain in my heart. I can finally breathe out all my what if’s of us. I can finally let you go wholeheartedly.

But to tell you frankly, I really really really miss you. I don’t want you back anymore but if I would be given the chance to relive all those times I was with you, I still would. And I never would change a thing. Even if I knew what was supposed to happen in the end, I’d still go back to that. That’s how much I loved the memories. That’s how much I loved you and finally, it’s all past tense now.