I Can’t Forget You, But I Can Let You Go

I thought I was so good at letting go—after all, I have told people to do it so many times. And then suddenly, you came into my life. Like a whirlwind, you brought excitement and adventure, but you also turned everything upside down. I watched you in childlike wonder as you painted over all the gray in my life, even if that colour was black. I am a fixer, I always have been, and I thought I could fix you.

You walked into my life and I expected you to fix me too. And of course with what you brought me, I guess falling in love was inevitable, right? They say love is blind, and I was, and maybe you were too. I tied myself to you, heart and soul, so that I was sure that if you fell into darkness, I would catch you. Every time you fell, I tried to catch you, unaware of the fact that you were part of that darkness and that you were pulling me down with you.

You were good to me until you were not, and you hid it so well. Wrapped up in your problems and tears was a web of lies that you had tangled me in. I had bound myself to you in a way that meant that I could not leave you alone with your demons, and so they became mine too. No matter how much I knew you were bad for me, I couldn’t leave you. You kept me even when you loved her, but I couldn’t love anyone else but you—not even myself.

I tried to let go, but a part of me knew that I hadn’t truly cut the rope that linked us together. I am so angry that I didn’t see it sooner. I am so angry that I had fallen so completely and utterly in love with the idea of what could be that I didn’t see what was. To be honest, I don’t just blame you—I also blame me. I let you into the most vulnerable parts of me and you used them against me. You played with my heart until there was nothing left for you to entertain yourself with.

I’ve tried my best to forget you, but how do you forget a thousand memories and moments? The smiles and late night phone calls. I guess that’s the trick—you don’t forget, but you do move on.

I want to say sorry. I want to say sorry that I couldn’t fix you, but it was never my responsibility to. I’m sorry I couldn’t fight your demons, but it was never my fight to begin with. I’m sorry that you couldn’t love you, but I have to love myself first. I’m sorry I was never enough, but you never allowed me to be. I’m sorry that I have to let you go, but I don’t regret it. My life had some gray before you came in, but it also had other colors that you painted over, and I’m taking those back.

I’m finally deciding to let you go, hoping that you one day let go of whatever’s hurting you too.

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