I remember my first wedding I went to. I was 10 and fat and got stuck pulling a baby in a wagon down the aisle after the flower girl. How I got stuck with that job I’m still wondering but it was a beautiful day. We were by the river with perfect weather and warmth as I got to experience the joy of watching my family multiply. The vows were so special and I remember just thinking, “Wow, one day that’s going to be me.”
I also remember my last wedding attended. Well, barely. I was a wedding singer so the feeling of love lasted just long enough for me to sing the last note. Anyways, I spent the rest of the wedding drowning in a bottle of wine and making drunken love faces at this one single cowboy across the tables. There are so many reasons to love weddings. I mean of course watching the couple enjoy their special “moment of love” and the families joining as one and getting to buy a new dress to wear to the wedding and single groomsmen.
But every good comes with a bad, so here are 5 things I hate about weddings;
1. The Plus One Option
Oh my gosh, you’re getting married! That’s so exciting! Just another reason to dress up and remind myself I’m still alone. So I’ll get the outfit but now to decide the real question, use my plus one or don’t? Invite that hot boy I make out with when I’m sad or invite the boy I dream about marrying or showing up by myself to steal a groomsman, or just go alone and publicly remind myself and everyone else that I’m still single and probably will stay that way.
2. The Bar
First of all, if it’s a closed bar then I’m taking back the set of plates I got for y’all off your Target registry. I like to drink no lie so an open bar makes me happy but then again it does me no good. The open bar looks at me and just screams. “Come over here, there’s no line and it’s not like any guys are talking to you anyway, just one glass of wine, or 20. I’ll make sure you get home.” And as a single loveless girl, of course I follow.
3. The Guests
I guess it depends who you sit next to. If I’m sitting next to my girls then hey, I’ve got friends to walk with to the bar but if you get stuck with the family of your friend getting married or the people you knew in high school and haven’t seen since you were 15 pounds lighter, it all goes downhill from there. “So how’s life? What are your life plans? How’s your family? How’s your love life?” Well first of all, mind your business. I’m wonderful and my life plans are still being tossed around in a hat, my family is great cause they’ve got me and I have no love life to speak of. Good talk.
4. The Bouquet Toss
Beyonce’s Single Ladies comes on and the girls are called to a line of duty. Alright you loners out there, the happiest person in the room is going to stand there and throw a bouquet of flowers and if you catch it then Cupid is bringing you Prince Charming tonight and leaving him under your pillow. There’s always a line of 5 hopeless romantics standing in the front with armor on ready to jump like Jordan. Then there are 5, including me, who stand in the back and act blind so they don’t get cursed with marriage but are secretly hoping to get hit in the head with it so maybe the “love magic” will rub off on them.
5. My Attitude
I love the happiness of a wedding but hate the bitterness of my heart. I’m happy for the couple but can’t help think of my ex who promised that would be us one day or the fact that maybe I’m feeling like my special day will never come. And while I know it will, in 2 or 40 years, the open bar makes the whole process a lot easier.