Out of all of the men I have loved before or could come to love, why am I drawn back to the one who hurt me most?
Why him? It’s been playing in my head over and over. The rise and falls of our relationship that briefly was. And I think that’s what bothers me the most. All the time that I spent wishing, waiting, hoping for it. Then when it was finally mine, it was nothing that I hoped it would be. I was hoping you’d bring into my life the self-assured, confident, strong, and fun-loving nature that you seemed to own so naturally. But as we got closer, I realized you possessed none of those qualities. They were the things I placed on you as the mirror of me. I willed someone to have come from a past as broken as my own, to be able to function the way you pretended to. But no, and it’s not your fault. See, I’m a pretender too, so I understand it. Though you guard your wounds with a hatred for anyone who dares try to tend to them. Vulnerability is a weakness to you, one that you love to take advantage of in the women who love you.
I didn’t realize this at first, though. I must have gotten too caught up looking into your eyes, holding your hand, feeling those lips against mine—bliss, comfort, a sense of belonging. I didn’t hold on to all of your transgressions, your lies, your lack of respect for me any time I said or did something that wasn’t aligned with your view. No, all the bad moments shrink away when I’m wrapped up on rainy days lying in your bed loving on you. I hoped you’d learn the intricacies of my mind the same way you quickly knew the intricacies of my body. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead, though, you use me; my love for you makes you feel powerful. You found someone you can be your worst self with who still loves you in the morning. Unconditional love is a special, rare thing that you don’t believe in reciprocating.
The spell has been broken by truth come to light. We see each other for exactly who we are, all of the bad qualities in you reflected back on me, and vice versa. I tried to separate us and hate all of the negative in you, but that left me empty, cold, numb.
So I must love you as I love myself now—unconditionally, fearlessly, even apart, even if I never see you or hear the way you say my name again. I love you, pray for your healing, pray for your happiness. I pray that you never touch me again unless this time it’s for real with love.