The Advice My Phone Would Probably Give Me If It Could Talk

I like to imagine my iPhone as a concerned friend. One willing to host an intervention if it were physically capable of doing so. It would have a cute sympathetic furrowed brow and a calm, nonjudgmental tone telling me to take a seat.

My notes app alone contains some pretty weird content. It’s basically an archive of poorly curated thoughts I just had to jot down before I forget — completely fragmented and out of context. Amidst a grocery list, beside chocolate soy milk and cleaning wipes, there‘ll be an inspirational quote I heard in a podcast on the way to the store I felt compelled to write down. I.e. “the hero and the coward both feel the same thing……Q tips, Mexican oregano, tampons, green juice.”

Honestly, my phone knows every facet of my weirdness. My addiction to scrolling through Instagram, my habit of deleting it and redownloading it, sometimes hours later. My drafted texts to the guy I like, perfecting my word choice for optimal wit and adorability.

My phone’s seen every ugly selfie I’ve taken and only sent to my roommates. Like that one of me with a face mask that made me look exactly like Jim Carey’s Grinch. Like exactly. It knows my guilty pleasure private Spotify playlists. That one with Aly & AJ, Fergie and old school Kelly Rowland that’s only cranked before big meetings or interviews.

I could go on and on. But let me hand it over to my phone, Morgan’s iPhone (I should really pick a cuter name). I’ll let him intervene with some sympathetic words of advice:

1. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Girl, stop trying VSCO filter your life. Live it up unedited. Stop trying to find the perfect caption for all of life’s moments. Stop trying to look like an Australian Instagram model. Be more ugly. Make more ugly faces. Stop rewatching your Instagram stories, you’re not that cool.

2. Why are you so obsessed with me?

Seriously, put me down once in a while. You don’t need me to go get your laundry. Or honestly anywhere that doesn’t require GPS. Leave me at home. Give me a break!

3. Drink more water and eat less pizza.

I’m always here silently judging all of your dietary choices.

4. You’re so well-educated.

You’re a scholar according to your listening level on Audible, and I’m so proud of your academic achievements. And honestly, judging by the podcasts constantly draining my battery, you’re a freaking genius. Even the guy at the Apple Store trying to clear out your storage was impressed by your vast collection of audio content.

TBH, I love you, weirdo. But we need more space. Spend less time googling “Where do Hailey and Justin eat in Brooklyn” and “When does the new Queer Eye season come out” and take a break from your devices. I’m tired of running on low battery. I need self care. I need to be updated!

Sincerely, Morgan’s iPhone.