I Don’t Want Him The Way I Want You

He doesn’t feel the same as you. He’s taller than you, but our bodies don’t align as well. We don’t align as well.

You look at me so intently. It’s not just a “you’re cute, we should go home together” look, like he had. You look at me from across the room. From across the table. I’ll be in a conversation with someone else and then look away to meet your eyes on me. You don’t even try and hide it. You don’t even look away. Your laser focus just intensifies.

He doesn’t obsess over every part of my body like you do. You make me feel so comfortable in front of you. Completely bare and completely myself. You’re such a strong personality compared to my ‘laxed temperament. You’d think it’d overpower me, but it rarely does.

He’s not intellectual like you are. He says he likes the things I like but without passion behind his words. The conversations never lead to deeper discussions. They just meet dead ends.

You and I have different values, though. You’re somewhat of an extremist when you believe in something. You’re all in. I like to remain moderate, always surveying different viewpoints. I think I can teach you a thing or two, as can you to me.

I can’t tell if you’re confident or cocky. You dance along that line playfully. And I almost want some of that testosterone-fueled confidence to rub off on me. So I can feel as sure of myself as you are.

I think my bias for you is especially pertinent after spending the night with someone else. But just because you fit me better doesn’t mean we’re a match.

And so I’ll file this away as a temporary emotional state. A result of spending the night with someone that wasn’t quite you. It’s my very human tendency to always be comparing. Maybe I’ll look back on this later and resonate with my depiction of you. Or maybe in hindsight these emotions won’t even feel like my own.

I’ll let this serve as a reminder of how situational emotions are. How, scientifically speaking, they’re just “a lower level response to stimuli which produce quick biochemical reactions to alter your physical state.”

So I have emotions for you that haven’t quite developed into feelings. I know they have the potential to. But for right now, I want to stay present. And all I know is that in this moment, this temporary emotional state, I don’t want him the way I want you. TC mark

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