8 Lies You Tell Yourself Once You Get A “Real” Job


My Place Will be SO Cute

I will decorate cute; I will have all the latest and most adorable stuff. My new place will be completely decorated via Pinterest and nothing else. My room will always be clean and somehow with all the new stuff I have acquired it will never get dirty. It will be sleek, sophisticated and ooze elegance just like how it looks on Pinterest. There is a possibility that people will wonder if I actually live in this room because how perfect it will look all the time.

I Will Get Myself in Shape

My new job has a gym and I will go there and work out. Never mind the fact that I had a state of the art, award-winning gym at my University and I never went, or the fact that my apartment complex right now has a gym and I never go, but this time it will be different! I will work out instead of eat and I will have a six-pack like I was born this insanely sexual. I swear guys, this time for real.

My Nails Will Always Be Done

Getting my nails painted every week will be a breeze now that I have money to burn. My nails will always be long and painted and absolutely beautiful, everyone will be jealous when they hear my fingernails clacking on the keyboard only to come by and notice my brand new nail color. People will ask me how I have such perfect fingernails and I’ll laugh and say something nonchalant.

I Will Find a Significant Other

Obviously the easiest out of the entire list, now that I have real job I will find a real man who doesn’t try to text me at 3 am asking if I want to hang out. No, I will find someone who likes red wine as much as I do and thinks that’s me binge watching every HBO cable show is precious. He will be mature and ask me on dates and know that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. Did I mention he’s smart, good looking, funny and the envy of all my friends?

I’ll Cook Bomb Food

Bland chicken cooked with rice will be a thing of the past now that I have a real job that suddenly turned me into a suave adult. My food will be nothing short of the food network channel Iron Chef edition and will have the effects of everyone freaking out basically.

I Will Have So Much Money

Oh yeah my yearly income basically puts me at the poverty line, which is about 100x more money than I ever had in college. I am rich, so so so rich it’s stupid.

I Can Totally Buy Myself a New Car

Why yes I do want to by myself a car that costs as much as I make in a year, and no of course I do thing that is a financially stable decision.

My Friends And I Will Do Important Grown Up Things

The bars that we choose to go to will be classy and have expensive taste, we will do things like go to brunch and have ‘work friends’ who will be a combination of the team from Criminal Minds and Bones. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Keep up with Morgan on Twitter

More From Thought Catalog