Absurd Questions You Get Asked Being An Identical Twin With Lesbian Moms
Q. Who is older?
A: Me.
Q. What happened to your dad?
A: What do you mean what happened to him? He impregnated my mom and disappeared off the face of the planet, is that what you mean? He died. He is a foreign prince. I don’t think of myself as having a dad, and a more apt question would be “so where did that other half of your DNA come from?” But I haven’t gotten that one yet.
Q. Who is taller?
A: Her.
Q. So how did they have you?
A. I think there should be a fairy tale or children’s story about a sperm bank and sperm donors so that young children like me don’t have to try to explain this concept to other young children. It hardly makes sense to us sperm-donor-created kids in first grade, but we try our best to articulate it to other little ones who are taught the only way in the world to have a child is man + woman. The equation of hope, dedication and costly procedures isn’t quite as familiar.
Q. Do you think they switched you at birth? What if you’re actually Bryn and she is actually Morgan?
A. I don’t think so, but hey, knock yourself out, maybe. I might be Bryn. I took advantage of this possibility at a Vampire Weekend concert to be serenaded by Ezra Koenig. She took advantage of this possibility to get a ticket on my record instead of hers. We have the same DNA, so is that name a big deal?
Q. Do you know who your dad is?
A. First, it makes me uncomfortable to refer to this man out in the universe as my dad. That sounds so intimate and involved, when in truth I have never met or wanted to meet the anonymous sperm donor who is responsible for my existence (And by responsible I mean purely biologically, because my moms are the ones responsible for the decision to bring us into the world in a way heterosexual parents might never comprehend). If I did know who he was, or perchance met him, I would thank him deeply for enabling the two most supportive, loving parents to create a family. Second, how would you feel if I asked you this same question? You would laugh and say of course you know your own parents. Well so do I.
Q. Who is the evil twin?
A. Her.
Q. Do you feel like you’re missing out on having a dad?
A. Do you feel like you’re missing out on having lesbian mothers? I will never experience this so I can’t really say.
Q. Who is the hot twin?
A. Me.
Q. Which one is your real mom?
A. I know you mean “biological”, but this is an ignorant bleeping question. They are both my real moms! But ok, Mommy is my birth mom, and obviously my sister’s birth mom. Mama is my little brother’s birth mom, but he has the same sperm donor “father” as we do. So we’re half sibs if you want to get all technical about genetics.
Q. Do you switch on boyfriends?
A. Well our boyfriends at first were close enough friends that they would have seen that shit coming, but in college there have been a couple accidental potentially very awkward situations. Let’s just say I almost punched a creep in the face at a party, only to be introduced to my sister’s boyfriend. It seems like a source of anxiety for new boyfriends for some reason.
Q. Are your moms married? Do they want to get married?
A. No they are not married, is the simple answer in legal terms. Why deal with the shitstorm of filing taxes in your state as married but then filing federal taxes as single? My moms are waiting until it’s legally the same marriage at the state and federal level. Yes they are married in non-legal, sentimental terms. They exchanged vows and rings, which they wear symbolically. And despite the unequal legal terms they are saddled with, they somehow still manage to live the lives of married women with full-time jobs and 3 needy, money depleting children. They do want to get married, which has nothing to do with them being lesbians but more to do with them, even 25 years later, being deeply in love.
Q. Do you get these questions all the time?
A. Yes.