Everyone says it never ends well, someone always ends up with a broken heart. You let it happen anyway, you go in with an open heart and you think to yourself “this isn’t so bad, I can do this.” It starts out slow and innocent at first – shameless flirting, light touches, sneaky hugs when no one is looking, inside jokes only the two of you understand. Everyone tells you how cute the both of you look together, how comfortable you seem around each other, how the both of you should just get a room.
You vehemently deny it; you tell everyone that you could never do that – you’re just mates after all. But deep down you start thinking about him in a different light, you wonder whether you could actually see something with him. You admit to yourself that you may sort of like him but you immediately push that thought out of your head, it would never work out, you work together, and shit would just get awkward.
You forget about it until one night. Who knew that everything could change after one conversation? You sit there texting each other, and somehow the topic comes up. You thread carelessly, after all flirting is a big part of your friendship. He tells you that the both of you would make a cute couple – he’s kidding of course – you laugh and tell him to give you a call when he turns eighteen.
He asks if you’re being serious and you say yes without hesitating – you’re joking of course – you both laugh it off and say good night. Something’s changed though, you meet up the next day and you’re seeing him in a new light. You become more aware of his presence, he seems to move closer to you. The hugs become tighter, the touches linger a second longer. You smile when you say goodbye.
He texts you that night and says he wants to give it a go, you both agree that a relationship isn’t what you want or need right now, maybe friends with benefits would be a better option. He tells you that it’s best if you keep it a secret, you agree. After all you’re a little self conscious of the fact that you’re three years older than him and if anyone from work found out you would never hear the end of it. That should have been your first warning sign, but you were genuinely excited about starting this relationship.
You shared a lot during the next couple of months; it was exciting and fun. Sneaking around during work, making sure the both of you did the late shift together, late night conversations and lots of “study sessions” together. You should have known it was too good to be true, and when he ended it for the first time because the two of you nearly got caught that should have been the second warning sign. You weren’t meant to get that upset over the fact that it was over, you weren’t meant to cry the way you did. You should have realised you were falling for him and you were falling fast.
He came back and asked if the both of you could try it again. You lowered your expectations and he became more distant. You blamed it on stress and school – your friends told you otherwise. They warned you this would happen; you choose to ignore it. They said it would only end badly especially for you – you choose not to believe them. “He’s a good guy,” you tell them, “I trust him” you say.
You should have realised you were falling for him, he made your heart skip a beat, he made you smile and laugh, you thought he was worth it. You knew it would have to end eventually, you should have guarded your heart more carefully but still you let him in. When he told you that there might be another girl after school was over, it seemed like your world had stopped.
Your heart felt like it was breaking, like someone was pressing down on your chest and you fought back tears as you texted him back telling him how happy you were for him, you even managed to joke about how you didn’t think he could actually convince a girl to go on a date with him. It hurt like hell. You never thought it could hurt so badly. He asked you if you were seeing anyone – you lied and said yes. You told him that this thing that the both of you had could only work if you were both single, he tells you he doesn’t have to be single for this to work. That’s when your world collapses around you.
You are shattered beyond belief. He wants you to be the other girl. You realise at that point that whatever friendship you had obviously meant nothing to him. You tell him you couldn’t do that to the other girl. You ask him if he likes this girl, he says he doesn’t know. He tells you how much he likes being around you, you tell him how much you like being with him too, you both go back and forth, playing a game of tug of war. You ask him why it has to be so difficult; he can’t give you an answer. He asks you if you like him, you panic and say as a friend.
It’s over at this point; you can’t continue this friend with benefits relationship if he might be seeing someone. You tell him it’s best to stop, he agrees with you. That hurts you the most, you hoped that maybe for a split second he would fight for you – but he didn’t. You spend a week crying over him, wanting to text him everyday but knowing you can’t.
You read over his messages, you’re a glutton for punishment. You see him at work and something’s different, it’s not like how it used to be. He doesn’t talk to you as much and you both just avoid each other. You get angry – you want things to go back to normal, but it doesn’t. You can’t pretend that the past few months didn’t happen, you can’t pretend that he didn’t hurt you.
They were right after all. This friend with benefits relationship never works out when one of you falls for the other. You can’t decide what hurts the most; the fact that you fell for him and he just broke your heart or that you’ve lost a really good friend.