Thought Catalog

When Unrequited Love Does Anything But Make Sense

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Pavel Badrtdinov

“I think unrequited love is just as valid as any other kind. It’s just as crushing and just as thrilling. No matter what happens in this situation, I want you to remember that what you are doing is selfless and beautiful and kind. You are loving someone purely because you love them, not because you think you’ll ever have your affections reciprocated. You are admiring something for its beauty, without needing to own it. Feel good about being the kind of person who loves selflessly. I think someday you’ll find someone who loves you in that exact same way.” – Taylor Swift

From time to time, I catch myself thinking about why is it that I can’t feel the romantic feelings
towards people that I “should” feel something for.

I’ve been fortunate to meet some fantastic gentlemen throughout my dating trajectory. I’ve met successful, kind and funny people- and so it should be simple and common sense, right? I mean, logically I can do the math- but emotionally there’s a block and it’s frustrating to see someone so great before you, who on a practical level you would work well with, who has the purest of intentions to get to know you, but you don’t genuinely feel the
same.

For a long time, I just figured I wasn’t capable of that love, or that something was wrong with me – maybe I was meant to just be on my own, I had been for a while now.

Until a special gentleman, stumbled into my life from God knows where and lit a fire within me that satiated me more than anything had in a while. He was special and different to me in a way I couldn’t explain- he made excited about everyday life, about the art of conversation and I became addicted to laughter. He was loud and a self-proclaimed “dick” but he was a very kind soul with a niche sense of humor.

Our relationship never manifested romantically, he gave me something that no one else ever had. We always see it in the movies, those montages of couples doing a series of fun things, laughing together, enjoying each other- but I was living it.


I felt like a teenager again, being that excited about someone, being on the phone until 3 am, sitting in a parking lot for hours and just talking.

Suffice it to say, we now have a long-distance friendship- he’s in an entirely different hemisphere, and a very different time zone, chasing the academic success that constantly tests him. We met briefly last time he was in town and what an emotional meeting that was- for a variety of reasons. I remember sitting in the driver’s seat of my car, with him in my passenger seat.

I told him that I was in love with him still- purposely looking out the window and away from him so he couldn’t see the bad plumbing in my ocular area.

You see, that’s the thing with him- let’s call it ‘energy’, but it has this power over me emotionally. From time to time, I wish I could just hug him for hours- simply so I could feel his presence.

I remember wanting to pack my life and moving to be with him because I needed to fight for a love like that.

I remember confessing to him that if he asked me to marry him in a random moment, I would do it immediately, without hesitations or reservations. Now, to put this into context, I am a very logical person, I’m intelligent and have stayed out of trouble or doing anything ‘stupid’ all my life. You can now imagine how otherworldly this was for a girl like me.

I’ve since not met anyone who has made me feel half of that, but because of what I had with him, maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me but rather, there are just a very small and special number of people who can have such a lasting impact.

Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with these fine gentleman, or with me for that matter, but maybe the universe doesn’t have in it for us.

In fact, the way I see it, what a blessing it was to have experienced a love like that, to have that experience as a benchmark for what love can feel like in my future relationships.TC mark

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