Other than the high cholesterol that runs in my family, I’m a pretty health-conscious person. I eat mostly vegan (all bets are off if it’s after 2AM and there’s pizza around), and I try to work out 5-6 days a week. I’ve also tried out my fair share of health and fitness crazes in the hope that I’ll get hooked on something that will be fun, easy, and keep me in my skinny jeans for the rest of my life. There are a few trends out there that I really vibe with (spinning and vegan cookies, for example). Unfortunately, a monthly membership to Soul Cycle costs nearly half my rent and it turns out that one cannot subsist on dairy-free treats alone. There’s also a lot of buzz out there around some “healthy” regimens I have absolutely no interest in trying. Here’s a quick take on what they are and why I’ll pass:
1) No carbs
Why would someone try to take away so much happiness from me? I would rather StairMaster for two hours than not eat this bowl of pasta and garlic knots. In fact, the thought that some people cut carbs out of their life makes me so sad I’m going to go ahead and take seconds.
2) Oil pulling
I actually tried this once. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to start my day with a tablespoon full of coconut oil (which has the consistency of lard and doesn’t even taste like coconut). You’re supposed to swish it around in your mouth for 20 minutes to get rid of all the “toxins” in your body. You’re also supposed to do it for the rest of your life. I lasted about five minutes because I thought I was going to puke. For the rest of the day my teeth were slimy, and I’m pretty sure all of my toxins were still doing their thing. Please comment below on how I can use the rest of this stupid expensive oil.
Getting myself to the gym is difficult enough. The thought of going to a gym where I compete with people twice my size in an activity called “powerlifting” is kind of my version of hell. If you’re into it, totally cool. I’ll text you after my yogalates class gets out.
Just so we’re clear: You’re suggesting that I pay $300 to give up solid food for a week so I can drink a spicy green liquid delivered to my door? You’ve got me with the convenience but otherwise, I can’t derive much benefit. I’m going to be cranky with my coworkers and missing out on one of the only things I look forward to during the day (lunch). In my opinion, life is too short not to chew your food, so while you’re busy “cleansing” I’ll go ahead and polish off the pretzel chips and cookie butter on your desk. Fair?
OK, so this isn’t really a “trend,” but I’m never going to get any joy from running, jogging, or even walking at a fast pace for an extended amount of time. In middle school I faked a broken toe for four months so I could get out of the dreaded mile we had to run once a semester during gym class. Even a light jog down the block leaves me huffing and puffing and sincerely hoping I never get chased by a tiger or even, like, an angry chicken. I get that I could probably build up my endurance and eventually be one of those people who wakes up, hits the pavement, and then posts some annoying map on Facebook. At the same time, I’ve made it this far in life without challenging my cardiovascular strength, so why rock the boat? My butt looks better in yoga pants than in shorts anyway.