94 Signs You’ve Lived In NYC For Far Too Long (But Wouldn’t Live Anywhere Else Regardless)

Kirk Morales
Kirk Morales

1. could have paid your rent with all the $3 umbrellas you’ve bought that broke instantly upon opening

2. get used to the summer sweaty-garbage smells

3. view garbage bags as part of the sidewalk

4. give in and buy a window a/c after 2 unbearable NY summers

5. bike through open fire hydrants in the summer to cool down

6. watch rats on the subway tracks fight over a bag of potato chips

7. are not phased by seeing rats on a daily basis

8. have a key chain full of Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aid, Key Food, C-Town, NY Sports Club, some yoga studio membership tags.. that you never use

9. are an expert mouse trapper after a few apartment mouse infestations

10. have a permanent New Yorker “don’t mess with me” face

11. want to own a dog someday… but know it will only ruin your social life

12. have lived in at least 5 different apartments… over the span of 2 years

13. speedwalk everywhere

14. hate groups of people who take up the entire sidewalk

15. hate tourists

16. never go to Canal street… Unless an out-of-town friend really wants to, and even then you think twice about it

17. find mcdonalds cups and dog poop once the snow on the sidewalks melts away

18. think a dishwasher is an unattainable luxury

19. think laundry in your building would be luxurious, as well

20. have fought with someone over the last available washer/dryer at the laundromat

21. forgot what central a/c feels like

22. have thought about ordering from Fresh Direct many times.. But have never done it

23. forgot how one orders delivery without Seamless

24. think $1600/month for a 300 sq foot studio in Bedstuy is a great deal

25. jokingly call your friend who hired a maid “bougie”

26. think it’s bizarre to have to pay for heat and hot water

27. are convinced “no brokers fee” apartments don’t really exist

28. still confuse Bedstuy and Bushwick.. Same thing, right?

29. have lived in a “railroad” apartment situation at some point in your brief NYC life

30. hate that you won’t be seated at a restaurant until the entire party is present

31. wonder “What the heck is a brokers fee anyway?”

32. wonder if you will ever live alone with no roommates before age 35

33. think paying $7 for a box of cereal and $15 for detergent is normal

34. practice proper escalator etiquette (on the right, it’s an escalator; on the left, it’s a staircase)

35. fear sidewalk ATMs that will probably steal your bank account info

36. hate cash-only restaurants and bars

37. always ask “Is there a credit card minimum?”

38. never greet anyone who lives in your building

39. never, ever start conversation with someone in an elevator (and are afraid of those who do.. Bc they must not be from here)

40. think small talk with strangers is uncomfortable

41. begin to appreciate byob restaurants

42. fear walking over subway grates

43. think it’s normal that your corner store deli guy doesn’t stop his conversation on his bluetooth to ring you up

44. are not quite sure if your cab driver is addressing you or his bluetooth in some foreign language

45. still can’t figure out if a guy is gay or just a hipster

46. have your packages delivered to your corner deli

47. have mastered getting cab drivers to take you to Brooklyn (get in the cab first, close the door, then drop the “I’m going to Brooklyn” bomb… Because you know the law states they have to take you once you’re seated in the cab)

48. think an inter-borough relationship is practically a long-distance relationship

49. know how to boozy-brunch hardcore

50. have tried to unsuccessfully sneak more than 4 people into a cab

51. have had someone steal the cab you so-rightfully hailed yourself

52. are expected to online-date if you’re single

53. love anything that’s open 24-hours (pizza place, gyms, delis, mcdonalds, CVS)

54. have had a zipcar membership.. and used it only once

55. wonder when you will one day own non-Ikea furniture

56. think $1 pizza slices are disgusting.. But not when it’s 5am

57. find the nearest Starbucks when you desperately need a bathroom

58. yelp every restaurant before you go

59. think twice before going into a restaurant with a B displayed on its window

60. Have fallen asleep on the train at night and ended up in Coney Island or the Bronx… many times

61. take unmarked black cabs only under dire circumstances

62. have cabbed it to work after oversleeping.. on many occasions

63. avoid Times Square on New Year’s Eve at all costs

64. avoid Times Square on any day, actually

65. avoid going out in Manhattan during: Santacon, St Patricks Day, Puerto Rican Day parade..Or any large event with douchebaggery

66. avoid the West Village on Halloween

67. call Manhattan “the city”, the subway “the train”, anything north of the Bronx “upstate”

68. think the 6 train during rush hour is the worst experience ever

69. have been to Staten Island a few times.. But never left the ferry terminal

70. have mastered balancing on a crowded subway

71. have lost your sense of personal space

72. know exactly where to stand on the train platform to exit the train in front of the staircase at your destination

73. hate people who don’t remove their backpacks on the subway

74. have had frequent debates about which is the worst train… The R, the G, or the C?

75. think the J train must go to outer space bc you’ve never ever taken it.. And don’t know anyone who has

76. remember the W train

77. remember the Z train

78. hate taking the train at 3pm after school lets out

79. think all obese people must be tourists

80. eat bagels for breakfast… Like, almost everyday

81. know coffee from a deli is really coffee-flavored water

82. know who Dr. Zizmor is

83. appreciate Poetry in Motion

84. shop for groceries with your headphones on

85. have a large collection of recyclable grocery bags

86. know not to get into the empty subway car…. It’s empty for a reason (usually smelly homeless person.. could also be vomit, who knows)

87. are not phased by or scared of crazy people

88. hate the “WHAT TIME IS IT?… SHOWTIME!” breakdancing subway kids

89. Know exactly what stations in Manhattan get phone reception

90. don’t know how you ever got around NYC without a smart phone and google maps

91. have never had cable TV

92. are annoyed when you forget your headphones at home

93. know that you’ve had to hustle to live in NYC, but appreciate it made you a better person.

94. know that wherever life takes you, no city will ever compare to New York City. TC mark

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