I am literally standing on this pivotal edge of my own planned out plan. Not a life plan – because let’s face it – I don’t have one of those…but this comfort, this normalcy, this thing I know for sure of. I battle everyday with the permanent – can I trust, can I maneuver freely – will I actually have a say?
I loathe permanency, but I yearn for it in the same breath. Not in the way of love, not in fate, not my passions – those things I am always surrounded with and cherish – but in the constant thought that I belong somewhere else, doing something else – the idea of myself advocating a wider outreach.
When I make a choice to move another direction, I am not giving up on anything, I am merely just ready to wade through the next journey.
In these recent moments though – my God – I am feeling an itch – to fuck shit up in the best of ways. To make an impact, make it known, and to whistle as I work. I am ready to forge, to be a change agent and to be a voice for others who want to listen.
I want to say yes, but this jumping off the edge has meant so many things in my life. Failure. Loss. Grief. Hate. Anxiety attacks. A storm of unknown. And then I take a step back, regain my footing, look over the edge again and realize that life doesn’t stay stagnant – and for a reason we may never fully comprehend, we say yes in order to forcefully join a new mission, a new train of thought, we jump to join the view, not just be a bystander — and we are always regurgitating our original foundational comforts we had, but in these moments it’s to come full circle, to remind us what our true selves told us from the start – and to stay not so far from what made us say yes in the first place – our instinctual belonging for something new and chaotic and amazingly impactful.
That is courage, that is knowing you belong somewhere else, yet you remain the pillar of who you are. Jump. Just say yes.