1. “Let’s split up.”
CLASSIC. This may be the oldest and dumbest one in the book, yet it happens all the time and people keep suggesting it! Why, you may be asking yourself? I have no idea. This dumb suggestion can be seen in various locations such as haunted houses, abandoned mental hospitals, creepy woods filled with possibly inbred psychopathic killers, etc. I will never understand why when they’re in a totally horrifying place, some dumbass in the group suggests splitting up. I guess no one realizes that the fewer people that you have around you, the easier it is for the killer to get you. If I was in any scary location or situation I would be holding hands with every person in the group at all times, never letting go, and I would Edward 40-hands (duct tape wrapped around everyone’s hands to keep them together) if that’s what it took.
2. “Hey, did you guys hear something? Stay here—I’m gonna go check it out…ALONE.”
Wow, here’s another dumb one that just keeps happening. If you go to check out some scary noise BY YOURSELF, you are not coming back. You are walking into your own death. This is not the time to be a knight in shining armor and try to look cool in front of the girl you want to bang. Guess what? You won’t ever be banging her because you’ll likely be hacked into little bits. Also, what would ever possess someone to walk toward the scary noise you just heard? I would be running in the opposite direction as fast as I freaking could. Just like this isn’t the time for the knight-in-shining-armor act, it also isn’t the time for you to be a detective and pretend you’re Olivia Benson on SVU. Moral of the story is, do not go anywhere alone! You even go pee together—this is a small price to pay versus being stabbed or chain-sawed to death.
3. “Let’s go to the middle of nowhere so we have no cell service.”
Every group of unruly teenagers has the bright idea to venture into someplace where there are absolutely no humans around and definitely no cell phone towers. Where do you plan on getting any help if you need it? It’s always cabins, deserted houses, and road trips to the middle of the woods to camp. It’s not even that these young adults want to go on fun adventures with some privacy, but who goes to a cabin that’s 10 miles away from any sign of civilization to have fun? That does not sound like fun in my book. I at least want a forest ranger within a reasonable distance from me; that isn’t too much to ask, right? But in scary movies even the sheriffs seem like the most incompetent and lazy human beings. They’re either old, fat, lazy, don’t care about the town, or are just fed up with horny teens coming to their hometown to have sex and do drugs.
4. “Let’s drive the most beat-up car we can find so it breaks down on the road.”
Again, horny teens want to go on road trips and for whatever reason in the world, they choose the most beat-up, old-ass POS they can find. Now usually when I have a group of friends and we want to drive somewhere we make the person with the nicest and newest car drive because then we know we’re in good hands. Like really think about it and think when have people ever used a nice car in scary movies? Why drive a shitty car that could possibly not want to start again? This is a classic scene, too—the killer is coming right toward you and you all are sitting in the car like idiots trying to fiddle with the keys and get your super-old beat-up car to start. I don’t even want to risk that on a daily basis for fear that I may have to talk to a human too long in a parking lot or something. I need my car to be able to function properly and start as soon as I’m ready to GTFO.
5. “I think I’ll hide in this tiny crawlspace so there’s absolutely no way out and I’m trapped.”
LOL this is so funny in movies I just wait for the moment when idiots choose a hiding place from the killer. I just sit and wait for their obvious choice, which is a tiny little crawlspace or closet or attic or the corner of somewhere so that they have NO WAY TO ESCAPE. Yo…what if the killer finds you? What are you gonna do then? Those choices are forcing you to be trapped. So if the killer finds you, you are royally screwed. I guess I can even understand why you might think these tiny hidden places might be a good idea. They are good spots to play hide-and-seek, in which the stakes are not that you die but that you are found. But in a situation where a killer with a weapon is chasing me, nah, I am not gonna pick a silly spot like that. I am either running for the hills or choosing a spot that I can then ditch and continue running if the killer happens to find me.
6. “Hey here’s this creepy haunted thing—let’s fuck with it so the spirits come out.”
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND! If I ever found something beyond creepy and possibly haunted, the last thing I would do is try to conjure the ghosts and spirits associated with it. Yet somehow every ghost-related movie has a pack of lunatics who think it’s a smart idea to force those demons out of there. Creepy books, ouija boards, haunted houses filled with creepy shit and spells you probably shouldn’t say, old dolls found in a weird cobwebby toy chest in a basement…do not mess with this stuff! Why is this so hard? If that was me I’d probably throw that stuff across the room so it could be nowhere near me and not even touching me or my soul. What the eff do you think is going to happen when you repeat the witchy spell written in an old dusty book? Obviously nothing good. What do you think is going to happen when a video is titled DO NOT WATCH THIS OR YOU DIE (The Ring)? Um, obviously you die. I wouldn’t care if the Barney video was labeled like that; I still wouldn’t watch it. Nope, not today, ghosts—not today and not ever. People are such idiots, I swear to you. I do not want spirits in my life and I definitely do not want to use any ouija board to MAKE them come out from wherever they’re hiding. No way.
So I know that I’m definitely not dumb enough to make any of these mistakes, but I can guarantee you 100% that we will continue to see angsty, horny teenagers in movies making these dumb mistakes time and time again.