The day I got the key to my first apartment that I lived in by myself. That day I was happy. That day I walked around the empty loft and listened to the hard wood floors creak. I heard nothing but the echo off of the tall ceilings. They were so tall above me, barely reaching the long rope to pull to adjust the fans.
That day, when I spun around the empty room, imagining the upcoming change in my life with just excitement but an anxious fear hiding behind it. I walked in and out of both empty bedrooms, wondering where I would put what piece of furniture, while making a list of all the basic items I would need to buy. The things I never thought to buy because my mom or roommate had always had. Who knew pots and pans were so expensive?! And not realizing I didn’t have soap to wash my hands with until I used the bathroom in my new apartment for the first time.
That day, though. That day when I stepped out of my window onto the roof of the restaurant that was connected and right below my feet. I didn’t know it at this point in my life yet, but that roof would be where I finally learned to love myself.
I walked over to the edge, overlooking the town square, looking across the street at the courthouse, at the small local pub on the corner, just taking in every single significant breath of this moment. Alone. I remember feeling so content that I was alone and embarking on what I knew to be the beginning of MY life. I had started a new job, gotten my own place, and was ‘making’ it. Alone. That day I was alone and I was happy.
I will forever remember that day as being when I knew I would be more. I would become more than my regrets. More than what has happened to me. More than the choices I have made.
I felt as though I had this new inner strength that came with that key to that apartment. I left what no longer made me happy and stepped into a new life that I had created on my own without you. That day I remember thinking that I no longer needed to be that person that I had been for the past 4 years. I did not have to be her anymore. I could be my own, new person.
I had made some choices and done some things that I regret. I had hurt people I dearly loved, but also been hurt by people who said they would never do anything to make me cry. I had also been hurt in a way that changed the essence of my being. I will forever be altered and see the world differently because someone hurt my soul.
That day. I will forever remember that day as being when I knew I would be more. I would become more than my regrets. More than what has happened to me. More than the choices I have made. I still have time to make up for the wrongs I have done and the people I have hurt. And I also have time to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. That was one of the best days of my life. And it happened while I was alone. That was the day I truly knew that I was about to fall deeply in love. Deeply in love with myself. Deeply in love with my life and with opportunity. With the possibility of what could be. That day I wasn’t scared of the future.
As I sit here now by myself on a rainy Wednesday night, I realize that on that day I also subconsciously let go of you. Because the next time you came into my life, I realized that the roof that I stood on that night was not meant for fighting. That roof was not meant to sit out there and catch tears. The girl on that roof deserves love and happiness. The girl on that roof wants to fight for herself. Not for that relationship, not for you.
She was finally realizing how perfectly awesome her life could be without you. She held that key to her future full of true, unconditional, love. And not with you.