1. THE ALOOF ONE
There’s something so hot about the way she appears to not give one single shit about you. You could call or not call; it certainly doesn’t matter to her. You two never get too deep because that’s “not her thing.” She despises emotional displays, grand gestures and talking during meals. You try and try with this one because you think that one day she’ll snap out of her ice queen routine and recognize that you, the love of her life, is standing right before her, dying to be loved back. Eventually you will realize that she’s “just not that into you” and she may be incapable of being “that into” anyone.
2. THE ADDICT
At first, this guy’s the best. He’s funny, interesting, and opinionated. Then you eventually notice that most of the time you’re hanging out, he’s drinking a glass of wine or just vaped. You two smoke pot before you go almost anywhere, which is also fun at first, but eventually becomes like, kind of embarrassing and even a little exhausting. Then of course, there are those nights you come over late after work for a sleepover and he’s totally ripped and says a ton of rude things to you that he’ll never remember in the morning. You think if you go on a breakfast date, you’ll get the “real” him, but of course, he skips the food menu and goes straight for the double Bloody Mary. When you attempt to bring up the subject of his substance abuse, he tells you that there’s nothing wrong with the way he is and if anything, you are the one with the problem. You want to help this guy, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with walking around the world seeing double. In fact, it’s the only way he can “deal.”
3. THE ONE WHO HATES YOUR PET
She doesn’t like dogs. So what? You really like her and you’re sure that after a while, she’ll come around to your sweet lil’ pooch. Everyone loves your dog! I mean, who doesn’t love dogs? You’d have to be a crazy person not to love dogs! But guess what? Some people are fucking crazy and don’t like pets and never will. Maybe she didn’t grow up around animals, maybe she can’t deal with the off-chance she’ll walk into your living room and see a tiny shit in the corner, maybe she’s a complete sociopath. Regardless of the reason, your pet is an important part of your life (probably one of THE MOST important parts) and anyone you’re going to be with needs to not only respect that, but put a smile on her face and deal with it, put the time in, and accept that a life with you means a life with your pup. Or she’s gotta go.
4. THE TOTAL MEANIE
Something happened to this guy as a child. Like, no question. He has a poor relationship with his mother, snubs your friends whenever they come around and doesn’t have a whole lot of nice things to say when you’re hanging out solo. He’s recklessly critical of everything and everyone, but especially you. You assume that no one can actually be that ruthless, so you try and try again, hoping that one day he’ll come around. That is, until you reach your final straw and decide once and for all that he’s unfixable human garbage.
5. THE FRIEND WITH BENEFITS WHO WON’T GIVE YOU MORE
She’s laid down the boundary: You two are sleeping together when you’re drunk or bored and that’s it. Your relationship is light and strictly physical. Maybe you two can share a smoke and a glass of whiskey together, but mostly you just share bodily fluids. But you want more. You crave her when she’s not around. You miss her laugh, you want to know what she thought about Going Clear, and you want to take her to your new favorite restaurant and show her off. You keep trying — you hope that someday she’ll have an epiphany and realize that she loves the physical relationship with you because she loves you. But she probably won’t because she’d rather have her cake and eat it, too. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to eat the cake right in front of you? That’s the point of cake. I personally don’t care for cake, but I know a lot of people do.
6. THE WUSS
Call him what you will, but I’ll call him a Mangina. The guy that’s cute and smart and sweet but doesn’t “go for it.” He won’t tackle you in bed, he won’t slip the doorman a $20 and he drinks white wine. You roll your eyes when he quotes something he read on Jezebel; you really wish he’d stop talking about Lena Dunham, even though you love Lena Dunham. There’s nothing wrong with a sensitive guy, but in order to be a guy, you have to BE A GUY. His lack of assertiveness in life and in bed will wear on you quickly and you’d almost rather go back to The Meanie than deal with this puss-puss for another second of your life.
7. THE ‘FAMOUS’ ONE
Oh my God, the girl you’re dating is actually kind of famous. I mean, maybe only Internet famous, but she’s famous. Famous implies likable and likable implies charming and charming implies “totally datable.” There’s only one thing: Her personality actually sucks, she’s boring and she’s a narcissist. Everything’s about her. You have to keep the fact that she drinks too much, doesn’t speak to her siblings and completely hates herself on the DL. You’ve watched one hundred too many YouTube videos be made. When you go out, she’s the star in your relationship. You thought it’d be cool to date someone with a name, but now, you’re nameless. You’re her boyfriend, not you, a human being. Oh, and can you hold her bag and drink while she takes a selfie with a fan? Thhhhaaanks.
8. THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE GREAT BUT ISN’T
He’s got a great job, he’s cute, he dresses well, he’s reasonably intelligent but there’s something off. Sometimes when you’re having a conversation you pause and are like, “Wait, are we talking about the same thing?” He makes basic arguments, lacks a certain level of emotional sophistication even though he thinks he’s advanced and is insecure in the way that not everyone is insecure but annoying people totally are. It drives you nuts — this guy is PERFECT on paper. You should want to rip his clothes off, hang out with him all the time and try to get him to impregnate you. But no, you just can’t. Your mind’s telling you yes, but your gut’s telling you no.