Parents are super fucking annoying. They know everything, they’re constantly telling you what to do and they’re allowed to yell at you pretty much whenever. But between the nags and useless bullshit they throw at you, there is some real wisdom. It’s hard to discern the good stuff because you’re secretly planning their murder, but as someone who’s had enough distance from being under the thumb of her parental figures, I can tell you what they’re saying that’s actually worth listening to.
1. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MARRY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART
I know the feels you experience the first time you fall in love. You’re all, “This is going to last forever, I can’t imagine my life without this person, we’re going to be together forevs.”
But newsflash: Your parents are right when they tell you not to over-invest in your junior year BF or GF. According to some statistic I Googled that may or may not be accurate, less than 2% of people marry their high school sweetheart and only 54% of those marriages have a chance of lasting more than 10 years.
Odds are, you two are going to go to college, swim around in the new dick-and-pussy pool and realize that you were only obsessed with your high school sweetheart because that person was the only person you’d ever loved up until that point in your life. Plus, teenagers are fucking retarded and make terrible decisions and have no idea what life’s about.
2. SAVE YOUR MONEY
Ew, right? Why would you want to stuff your money away in some savings account when you can dine at fine restaurants like Chili’s and Applebee’s? There are so many willowy dresses to buy at Anthropologie and Sephora is basically church, so spend it if you got it, right?
Guess what, mother fuckers? You’re probably going to be poor as hell once you graduate high school and/or college and you’re going to wish that you socked away that babysitting money so you could pay for things like, I dunno, food and shelter? Your life is basically paid for until you’re 18 and in a lot of cases, 22, so take advantage of that and save every penny you can. I’m not saying you can’t treat yourself to a bag of weed and a cute skank tank once in awhile, but for the most part you should save, save, save.
3. DON’T RUSH INTO SEX
Seriously. You only lose your virginity once and you’ll probably regret giving it up to someone in an attempt to “get it over with.” There’s nothing wrong with being a 16-, 18-, 20-, or 24-year-old virgin. There is something wrong with treating your body like a two-year-old copy of Us Weekly.
4. NEITHER A BORROWER OR A LENDER BE
My grandmother used to say this to me all the time and I’d be like, “Hey, don’t push your depression shit on me,” but let me ask you something: Where are all your DVDs and books? You know you lent them out, but to whom and when? You’re not a library, you’re a human who paid for that My So-Called Life box set and you deserve to hold on to it instead of lending it out to some friend who’s too cheap to hop on Amazon and buy their own used set for like, $12.
And BTW, if you borrow a shirt or a dress from a friend, you will stain it. It’s one of those Murphy’s Law things. Any time you pull something from a friend’s closet, you’re going to wind up spilling nacho cheese on it before tripping and ripping the entire thing up the back. Stick to your own wardrobe, you’re fine.
5. THE ONLY THING YOU OWN IN THIS LIFE IS YOUR NAME
Your “name,” meaning your reputation. You are in control of how people view you. Use good manners, show up on time, be consistent, send “thank you” emails, don’t be an asshole. It’s impossible to get these things right 100% of the time (you’re human, I assume) but doing your best to keep your rep above board is crazy important socially and in business.
6. DON’T SEND NUDE PHOTOS
Just don’t do it. Do not do it. Don’t. Nothing good comes from it. Protect yourself. There’s like, a dozen made for TV movies about teens that killed themselves because of a nude picture scandal, so you clearly shouldn’t be engaging in this kind of thing because you will wind up dead.
7. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUCCEED, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY
Maybe you’ve got a dad like the one in Varsity Blues that’s on your nuts about being your best self all the time, but a lot of us have parents that just want to see us try to reach our full potential. Reach for the stars, guys. Apply for jobs you’re not qualified for. Show up to places eager to lend a hand. Come from a place of servitude and show the people you want to work alongside that you’re made up of the good stuff. Maybe you won’t wind up the CEO, but you’ll never regret trying your damnedest to put your thing down, flip it and reverse it.