1. HAVING A WASHER/DRYER AND/OR A DISHWASHER
Similar to New York, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll wind up in an apartment with a dishwasher and almost definitely not an in-unit washer or dryer. Yeah, you can find them in some of those newer buildings on Wilshire or below Olympic, but those places are for unsociable weirdos. If you want to live in WeHo, Silver Lake, Echo Park or anywhere with a pulse, you’re going to have to buy yourself a drying rack and pick up a roll of quarters at the grocery store.
2. MURDERING THEIR BOSS
Everyone everywhere wants to murder their boss, but the odds that the head honcho at your place of business is a narcissistic monster with sociopathic traits is multiplied infinitely when you live in LA. This will, in turn, most likely turn YOU into a narcissistic monster with sociopathic traits by the time you finally work your way up the ladder. Significantly fewer people in this city aren’t dying for the day they can finally be an asshole to people and get paid for it.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just shelf your dreams of making it in the ‘biz and move some place like Houston and work as a receptionist? Or like, what if you never left your hometown to begin with and you had a decent job in marketing and married someone who grew up like you did? Of course, you can’t fantasize about this stuff for long — you’d never actually want to do it, but once in awhile, it’s kind of nice to wonder “what if…”
4. FINDING A LIVABLE APARTMENT IN ATWATER VILLAGE
Trust me, I tried. For months. And I was willing to throw down serious coin on rent at the time. The closest I got was a one bedroom for $1300 that had green shag carpeting on the floor and smelled like cat pee. All the good places in Atwater are taken right now, just move to Glendale or Eagle Rock or kill yourself.
5. THE ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT USING A VEHICLE
Complaining about how you HAVE to drive everywhere in LA is trite, but let’s be real for a sec: Wouldn’t it be so nice if you could put your sneaks on after work and take a stroll down to the grocery store without having to lug your bags a mile-and-a-half home, probably uphill? Walk scores, guys. They’re real and you should look them up before you pick your next place to live in LA.
6. NOT KNOWING HOW PATHETIC THE PLACES THE CAST OF ‘VANDERPUMP RULES’ DINES AT ARE
Seriously, could these people be stuck going to restaurants, bars and salons that are any more random or unremarkable? I would love to be able to watch the show without knowing that the place Katie and Stassi are getting salads isn’t a failing hole-in-the-wall out in the deep valley.
7. FINDING SOMEONE TO DATE WHO’S NOT AN EMOTIONAL TEENAGER
Okay, not everyone in LA suffers from the stereotypical woman/manchild syndrome that people tend to spend so much time talking about here, but a shitload of them do, which is why so many people spend time talking about it here. Even if someone in LA wants to grow up, they’re usually surrounded by friends who don’t or have no idea what “adult” really is, so they move to Venice, spend Sundays at flea markets and take obsessively good care of their vehicle. And that’s just annoying.
8. A NIGHT OUT THAT COSTS LESS THAN $50
Of course you can leave your house for less than $50, but only if you want to stay sober so you can drive, find cheap or free parking, and don’t anticipate wanting a midnight snack. If you want to have a fun night out, you’ve got to factor in the Uber, the cost of drinks and late night munchies. The Uber alone (even UberX) will usually run you at least $30 total, drinks are $5-$16 a piece and I assume you’re not a three beer queer so like, you better bring out the QuickBooks if you want to party.
9. HAVING ACTUAL FRIENDS
Yeah, you can make friends in LA, but it takes at least two years of cycling through awful people to find at least one or two homies that you actually consider to be reasonable human beings that you can trust.
10. GETTING ANYWHERE IN UNDER 20 MINUTES
Like Cher’s dad in Clueless said, “Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes,” but that’s only if there’s no traffic and you’re traveling less than 10 miles, so actually, fuck you, Cher’s dad. I’ve had two and a half hour commutes for jobs 15 miles away from my house before. There are always freeway closures, accidents, and public transportation is… a disaster. If you’re taking the bus, give yourself 20 hours.
11. NOT FEELING OBESE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE LIKE, A SIZE ZERO
No matter how skinny you get, there will always be someone skinnier than you at any pool party you go to. I felt like a fat ass when I was full-blown starving myself and weighed 93 lbs. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE EYES.
12. BEING ABLE TO AFFORD SOMETHING ON RODEO DRIVE
Just… no. People who live here don’t even go to Rodeo Drive. That entire street is for Asian tourists and film and television.
13. KNOWING AND ENJOYING YOUR NEIGHBORS
I have lived in my current building for over six months. I do not know any of my neighbors’ names, I rarely see them and when I do, we don’t talk. I did have a neighbor whose name I knew, but that was because I had to call the cops on him like, three times for hitting his girlfriend. A lot of my other neighbors seemed lovely, but there was a major language barrier and I don’t think we ever got past a smile and the occasional “Hola.” If you grew up running around your neighborhood and playing with the kids who lived on your street, you probably really miss that feeling in LA.
14. NOT GETTING HPV LIKE, SIX TIMES BEFORE THE AGE OF 30
By some miracle, I have never gotten HPV, but practically every other person I know has and they’ve had multiple strains. I knew a girl who got four different strains in one year! That’s one strain per quarter! Granted she was doing lawyers and agents rawdog after staying up with them all night doing blow, but like, that’s a lot of HPV, guys.
15. HIKING RUNYON CANYON WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT SOMEBODY’S PITCH MEETING/AUDITION
Runyon Canyon is actually an excellent workout if you take the harder route, but as my friend Jordan once put it people there walk “in casts of CW shows.” Everyone there is talking about some commercial they didn’t book or how their script is coming along. You can put on headphones, but that won’t block out all the aspiring somebodies taking selfies at the top of the hill.
16. NOT HAVING TO ASK “IS ANYBODY VEGAN?” IN AN EMAIL RE: DINNER PLANS
It’d be so nice to send an email to a group of friends or colleagues about dinner without just saying, “We’re going to ______, they have vegetarian options if anybody doesn’t eat meat.”
Whether or not someone’s going die from consuming gluten or feel like a murderer for eating a dish made with milk is kind of a pain in the ass when you have to deal with it All. The. Time. And it really sucks when a vegan restaurant is just picked for you and you’re stuck eating “nachos” with cashew cheese because the question, “does anybody really dislike eating vegan?” is NEVER asked.
17. BEING ABLE TO RIDE A BICYCLE WITHOUT BEING MURDERED
I know like, two people who frequently ride their bikes in LA and haven’t been in some sort of serious accident. Most parts of the city don’t have bike lanes, you can’t ride on sidewalks—a perfectly normal and fun way to exercise and travel is basically off the board because at any minute you could get sideswiped by an actress trying to memorize her sides on the way to an audition for The Fosters.