Eating Ass And 6 Other Things Sexually Unadventurous People Should Try In Bed

You know how like, every week on the Internet some curvy person writes a defense of being curvy and then some slender girl writes about how that defense of being curvy was really just an excuse to slam skinnies and that that’s not fair because there’s no such thing as a superior figure and blah blah blah? Okay, so that’s how I feel about all of the people that are slamming 50 Shades of Grey right now for being a pathetic representation of BDSM/kink. Because no, it is not a text book & film about accurate, extreme sub/dom sex, but like… even a light flogging and some mind games is PLENTY for a lot of people. And that should be okay. Vanilla sex is not a crime. I have a little tree air freshener in my car that smells like vanilla and it’s awesome. Great flavor. Not everything needs to be Hawaiian Punch with truffle butter. Some people are comfortable with good old classic vanilla and seeing a woman get whipped with a leather ponytail is adventurous enough for them. And that’s valid.

But the thing with many people who haven’t moved out of the missionary position is that they don’t really know their options. Where does one begin? Maybe they know that nipple clamps and anal fisting isn’t for them, but they’re not totally aware of all the stuff that’s in between and WHY it might be fun (and at the very least, worth a try.)

***NOTE*** If you’re super sexually experienced, this list will read like a joke to you. This wasn’t written for you, guy who’s been pegged by his ex-girlfriend’s best friend while the ex-girlfriend watched. This is for all the people out there that only speak to people at their church, stick to basic cable and are interested in spicing up their sex life without ordering a mystery box from adamandeve.com.

ANALINGUS

2014 was the year that everybody started talking about eating ass. It was like one person somewhere decided to announce that they enjoy getting their butthole licked and the damn broke. Your friend, your co-worker, your little brother—we all know now that there’s nothing they enjoy more than the feeling of a tongue on their rectum. Being the largely clueless person I am, this was news to me. I mean, I’d HEARD of rim jobs, but mostly in a joking context. The idea was only slightly removed from a Dirty Sanchez or something. But no. Apparently not. And I say that if a large portion of the population is fully owning that they’ve licked a passageway for shit, it’s fair to assume that it can’t be THAT wild.

VIBRATORS

If you don’t have a vibrator, you need to minimize this window, go on Amazon right now and have one of them shits overnighted to your house. If you and your significant other don’t live together, buy one for each of your homes. Immediately. The only excuse not to own a vibrator is an extreme distaste for pleasure.

ROLE PLAY

In my experience, putting on a “sexy nurse” outfit leaves me feeling like a complete asshat and that tends to suck the romance out of a room. Something about trotting around my apartment in a glorified Halloween costume makes me feel like I’m filming a set-piece for a multi-cam sitcom, not bringing my relationship to new sexual heights. However, I have been surprised to hear that even my most conservative friends find that putting on a cop uniform and some heels has infused a whole new level of variety into their otherwise stagnant bone routine. Start with something low-key (dudes love cheerleaders) and if you’re both into it, chic.

SPANKING

I like sticking my finger into the center of a lit candle and will often times pinch myself cuz self-harm passes the time, so spanking feels like an obvious “naughty” thing that some part of your brain might be into. It’s easy, it’s free, it’s over in 10 seconds and if you hate it, you don’t have to try it again. But spank and be spanked. Find out what your limits are. (Tip: I learned the hard way that I cannot emotionally come back from someone hitting my face. If you’re trying to get your “play it safe” partner to get into some mildly kinky shit with you, keep your mitts off their mug.)

POSITIVE DIRTY TALK

Again, this list is for people who are new to sex or have a very limited knowledge of sex. I’d hope that most people are telling their partner that they have the best dick/pussy ever but I know they’re not. Tell your partner their sexy in a variety of ways that border on disrespectful. Stay away from the words “bitch” and “whore” unless you know that’s something they’d be into (I’m guessing if they’re a n00b, they are probably NOT) and don’t compare the sex you’re currently having to sex you’ve had in the past. That can rattle some of the biggest MVPs.

BLINDFOLDS AND HANDCUFFS

Why not, right? Try it. If you hate it, take the damn things off and move on. It’s low-stakes experimentation.

SWITCH UP THE LOCATION

If you’re just doing it in bed, you’re doing it wrong. I’m not saying you need to go from having polite intercourse on fresh linens to fucking in the chip aisle at Publix, but look around a hotel room. All of the surfaces you see have been fucked upon. The desk, the weird little chair in the corner, the bathroom counter, the fugly-ass couch. Because it’s fun. It may look uncomfortable and it probably will be to an extent, but more than that, it’s a blast. So try initiating sex in the kitchen, in the shower and eventually, the chip aisle at Publix. TC mark

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