We need to talk about Kevin. I mean, Chris.
The Bachelor premiered its 19th season last night and it’s probably going to be better than ever. The crazy quotient seems so low at this point that you KNOW it’s got to be at an all-time high, but sleeper-style, which is probably the most dangerous kind of crazy. Bachelor Chris himself is… not really doing it for me yet, but I understand that he has a rabid following from his turn on The Bachelorette so I’m going to cross my fingers, dive in and devote the next three and a half months of my life to this program because when it comes to reality television, I am basically a barren cat lady who still uses AOL Dial-Up.
Please join me in discussing the following:
What do we think about Chris Soules?
He’s attractive in that way that all people on this show are attractive, but can we discuss that he, much like many of the players in the history of The Bachelor Empire, has never seemed to leave the nest? Or in his case, the farm. Andi, who rejected him on her season of The Bachelorette says on the red carpet that Chris makes “no bones” about the fact that whomever he picks will be ready and willing to pick up and play Farmville IRL with him.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with loving where you came from, but is there anything less attractive than a person who has never seemed to experience life outside of his own family? Am I some sort of wild rolling stone or is it not a little bit bizarre to believe with all certainty that the lifestyle and the place in which you grew up in is the best? I’m thinking he’s a bit of a Bubble Boy you’d have to fit seamlessly into his world in order to make it work with him as a couple. To me that reads as short-sighted and selfish—how does he expect anyone who’s not a scarecrow of a woman to fit into that world?
What do we think about the seven girls who’s hometown lives were previewed at the top of the show?
As any Bachelor or Bachelorette fan will tell you, the girls who are featured in depth before the limo rides are more than just a preview of what’s to come this season. Usually our winner and our villain are buried somewhere in here, as well as at least two of the crazies.
First we met Britt, the waitress from LA who gives away free hugs on Hollywood Boulevard. She’s gorgeous and went the distance her first night, picking up the first impression rose and a kiss from Chris, but homegirl is giving me Clare Crawley vibes. I’m guessing that she’s going to wind up losing her shit as it gets down to the final few—she’s already gotten too much attention from Chris for it to go anywhere but down.
Then there’s Jillian, the cute news producer. Her video features her working out and flexing her muscles, which is a notorious turn on for dudes. Not. Although Chris seemed to find nothing wrong with her taking him to the gun show the second she walked out of the limo, I think she has the potential to turn into the house mean girl. What comes off as mature confidence at the beginning is undoubtedly masked competitiveness and possibly cattiness.
Amanda the Ballet teacher (aka Amanda from Princesses of New Jersey) had me on the fence the whole time. On one hand, she had bugged out Adderall eyes and a kooky desperate nature to her, on the other hand, Chris didn’t seem to see that—until she was one of the four eliminated, anyway.
Whitney the fertility nurse creeped me out at the mansion when she talked about how both she and Chris “farm” for a living—sick—but she’s a total sweetie and seems like she’s pretty moldable. This is a girl who would totally have no problem packing up her life to move to Iowa and traditional dudes like Chris LOVE women in traditionally female caretaking professions. I think she could win the whole thing if her Tiny Voice™ doesn’t drive him fucking crazy.
Mackenzie the mom of a little bb named Cale bums me out. She’s only 21 years old but she seems even younger. When she stepped out of the limo, she seemed like she was a teenager that’d gotten into her older sister’s closet and a couple of times throughout the evening she visibly pouted like a little girl. She’s the one that I’m low-key worried about right now—I think he’ll keep her in the mix too long and she’ll get her hopes up, only to be sent home packing after being away from her baby for almost the entire time.
Alissa the flight attendant could go pretty far, too and here’s why I think that: There’s no other reason why they’d feature her at the top of the show. Her little bit on the plane of her doing dumb airplane jokes was lackluster—surely there was someone with a better career to explore—and she’s… not as pretty as some of the other girls in the house. I’m betting that she’s got a “I can do whatever you want, Chris,” vibe about her that Whitney has.
Kelsey the widow from Austin is my personal favorite so far. She’s the most unique beauty and I like her laidback, down-to-earth style. The only thing I worry about is that she was only widowed about fourteen months before this was filmed and honey, that’s too soon. If it takes the average person 17 months to get over a break up, I can’t imagine how long it takes to get over the sudden death of your spouse.
Who had the worst limo entrance?
Tara, the girl in the flannel and cowboy boots who got too shitfaced on Jameson to hold it together throughout the whole rose ceremony impressed me when she decided to step out in her most comfortable look but lost me when she traded it in for a dress—what’s the point of that, then?
Carly, the 29-year-old demented prom queen who jumped out of the limo singing karaoke needs to take her whole personality, get it together with Whitney’s voice and go talk to a counselor about childhood molestation. What are the odds that she makes it past next week?
Of course there was Britney who showed up looking like 2001-era Britney Spears in a little white lace dress that had separate little wrist pieces. Where the fuck would one even find something like that?
Cheap-looking dresses seemed to be more common this year in general though. Jade came out of that limo wearing a dress I assume she bought from an Instagram store based in China. She had nail art and in her one-on-one, told Chris about the first time she tried parking at Santa Monica’s 3rd Street Promenade and wound up melting down and going home. All of this actually makes me like her. It’s like watching “that girl from Facebook” get a chance at love or something.
Katelyn the dance instructor’s lack of filter (when she walked out of the limo she told Chris he could “plow her field any day”) is kind of amazing and I liked her from the very start. She’s a goofball and kind of clueless as to how hammy and insane she comes off that I actually think she’s probably more fun and harmless than anything. #TooRealToFront, if you will.
Does Chris have a thing for drunk girls?
Amanda was right—Chris sure had no problem sending home girls that kept it together all night over drunks like Tara and Jordan and Ashley S., who ripped both a rose and a pomegranate out of the mansion’s garden before looking at the camera wide-eyed and marveling, “I feel so powerful.”
If drunk girls is what he likes, then he’s on the right show, I guess, but what does that say about him?
Is Bo the coolest ever?
Anyone else completely obsessed with Bo the plus-sized model? I think she’s probably the coolest chick they’ve ever had on this show and her presence is long overdue—watching 25 lollipops chase after the same dude every season can be boring. Of course she’s a plus-sized MODEL, but it’s still an improvement for a show that’s still only tossing the Bachelor one or two token black girls a season.
How long will the “two groups” tension last?
This year instead of sending in all of the limos at once, the first fifteen girls were dropped off at the house two hours prior, leading them to believe that they were the entire group. The producers even seemed to have Chris fooled.
When the second round of fifteen started showing up, the women started going ape. In a matter of like, two hours, the first group had become so possessive over Chris (and confident in their odds) that it was actually kind of genius. The conversation about whether or not this style of reveal was fair to the girls will likely be debated for days and weeks to come in the mansion—these contestants always love to fish around for unfairness to call out.
In the end Amanda, Kara, Kimberly and Nicole were eliminated and I would say that with the exception of Amanda, these cuts made total sense. I would have liked to see Amanda make it another couple of weeks, I did enjoy something about her “zest for life” or whatever we want to call her barely contained insanity.
What do we think about the campfire hook up we saw on the “This season on The Bachelor” preview and is all of the talk about Chris owing the girls an apology based on that incident or does he wind up repeat offending?
Who’s there for “the wrong reasons” and what is their motive?
Is Britt definitely going to get eliminated (based on the scene of her sobbing outside in a red gown during the preview) or does something happen at a rose ceremony that brings her to that point?
Did you notice that the girls who were eliminated weren’t interviewed/leaving the house until fucking DAWN? That must have been the longest elimination ceremony in the history of the show?
That said, what kind of drugs are these girls on? I’m 99% sure they’re not on some sort of Adderall/blow combo, but I have no idea how these women got dressed for what is essentially Sad Adult Prom that day, sat in a limo for HOURS, drank and drank and drank AND stayed up until dawn, looking good for the most part while they were at it? What the fuck is their schedule and how could all of them have maintained it as well as they did? You’d think they’d all be looking like Tara, no?