The kind with high school-age kids who post scenes from their lives as part-time working philanthropic modern homemakers. I’ll stumble across someone I’ve never met’s mom’s account and toss them a follow—that’s how deep my mom stalking goes. They love stuff like glass prayer beads and Starbucks (no latte art, we’re talking a complete lack of irony) and captions on pictures of chocolate chip cookies that say things like, “These things are like crack!” As if they even know what crack is/understand what they are talking about/not talking about a plate of cold cookies at a church fair?
Sorry, I know we’re all supposed to pretend we’re above keeping up with America’s only famous Armenians but I’m here to stand up for those of us who aren’t ashamed not to be. I LIKE looking at cartoonish make up and expensive looking things and fashion choices I would not make if I had that much money or those sick bodies.
MAKE UP & NAIL TUTORIAL ACCOUNTS
There’s something very soothing about watching a smokey eye get pulled together in a sped-up 15-second clip. Sometimes they’ll toss a little “Let it Go” or “Shake it Off” into the mix to really get you feeling their mood. Honestly, the only problem with these accounts is that I can’t seem to find enough of them. The nail and make up stills are not enough for me, I need the videos to vibe-out. I’ve found a bunch of accounts just through searching various hash tags and exploring from there. @nailbooks and @BANICURED_ are both pretty good.
RANDOMS FROM HIGH SCHOOL
It’s a comfort thing. There’s just something nice about being able to see someone you haven’t seen in 10 years and don’t plan on seeing for another rest of your life. In a way, it’s like seeing a bizarro world version of yourself. There’s someone who grew up with a background that was more similar to yours than not and they are the hospitality person at a Courtyard Marriot and you’re something very different than that. Guys that you thought would never get laid as long as they’ve lived are on their third kid. The most popular girls in school are fat and haggard. Always. They are always fat and haggard and it’s almost unfair to them at a certain point, you know? So that’s a fun type of person to follow, it really is. It makes you think.
GAY TEEN BOYS
I don’t care if I catch heat for this, 14-year old screaming queens with public accounts who make videos and post endless photos of themselves in various sassy poses are dying to be followed and I’m more than happy to indulge. The lip-sync videos and amateur t-shirt and sunglass modeling is the kind of content that I want, and they are willing to provide me with more of it than I can handle. I’ll even click over to Vine for a gay teen who wants to show me his dance moves or tell me his naughty little joke about something his bae did. Gimme gimme gimme.
JUSTIN BIEBER LOOK ALIKES
I follow a zillion of these lil studs from when the popular page was literally just the most popular photos on the entire platform. These guys would post selfies smizing through their bushy bangs and sideways baseball hats with captions like, “You don’t know how beautiful you are” and a peace sign emoji. And each of their photos would have over like, 70k likes or something fucking insane like that. And their only skill was styling themselves to look vaguely like Justin Bieber! What’s wrong with me that that’ll never get old?
ACTUAL JUSTIN BIEBER
Like the Kardashians, following this train wreck in progress never gets old for me. He famously fills his feeds with dopey-looking selfies but once in a great while he’ll post a clip of him singing or dancing and remind you that for a complete retard, he’s actually pretty fucking talented.
@YOURSHITTYFAMILY AND OTHER FAKE TEXT MESSAGE ACCOUNTS
@WoahTexts and @ShockingTexts are like even more bootleg versions of @TinderNightmares. Even though you know that all of these texts are faked conversations (the way the “parents” are written is always so on the nose formal or informal that only a bored teen could be constructing these memes), there’s something entertaining about even the idea of someone bothering to execute the material for this kind of account. Like, am I laughing at this “dad accidentially sexting his teenage daughter” or the fact that someone sat at home and wrote a fake text conversation about this kind of thing? I’m laughing at all of it, baby!
THE DESK MANAGER AT MY OLD SHRINK’S OFFICE
I always used to get too chatty with this guy, who I assumed was gay (which made having no boundaries feel somewhat more okay, I guess) and somehow wound up following him on Instagram. Even though I kinda panic whenever I see the photos he posts of himself flexing at the gym or the little inspirational quotes about God and perseverance he loves so much, my heart jumps out of my chest a little bit. My shrink and I didn’t end on the best terms, you know? How weird is it that I still follow his receptionist on Instagram? But there’s something about the oddity of the whole situation that keeps me from hitting “unfollow.” I like to torture myself by following a 6’5”, vaguely homosexual desk worker who only posts muscle updates and whose boss I have weird beef with.
Yes, I have a new shrink.